Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Single Mom, Army Style: Day 3

Well, yesterday was better than Sunday and today is better than yesterday. Right now, I'm just taking it one day at a time because if I look at the fact that I'm not going to see him for another 67 days (or thereabouts), I get a little panicky and overwhelmed. By now, Joey is at Fort Jackson. Hopefully, I'll be able to hear from him later today, but if not, I spoke to him last night at 10 pm and he was fine, just trying to catch a nap on the bus ride to Fort Jackson. He said the bus was great, it was a coach bus with only 12 people in it, so there was lots of room to sleep, but the driver did not take the most direct route there, so he was frustrated that it was going to take him longer to get there than it would have otherwise taken and he was having trouble sleeping because the bus was stinky.

I really miss him and not only that, I envy him. He is out, living a dream, while I am here raising our kids. It doesn't seem fair (and I know life's not fair) and I know that there's no place I'd rather be NOW, but he is living out a dream from before kids and I'm not. And I don't know why he'd rather be there than here.

I am struggling a lot with my attitude. I know God is in control and I know he was there when Joey signed the paperwork to enlist and I know he has a plan for us. I just wish I could see the "good" part now. Now I only see the hard part and I have to keep reminding myself to trust God.

Yesterday was a large circle, beginning and ending with doing dishes. Somewhere in the middle, Addy wrote Joey a really cute letter and drew a picture on the rest of the paper. I'm going to send it to him with a couple pictures of me and him (the night before he left we went to the movies and they had a photo booth so we got our pictures taken twice in it and we got 2 copies of each picture) and an ultrasound picture (we got 2 copies at the OB's office last time we were there) and probably a letter from me. I don't know what to write though. Its a fine line to stay positive and supportive without lying at this point. I'm just too focused on the hard and negative right now. Hopefully when the time comes to write him a letter, I'll be feeling a little more positive.

I'm frustrated with my kids. I know its hard adjusting to daddy not being here, but they are testing me at every turn and that's really hard to deal with when you feel emotionally raw.

Last night, I made hamburgers for dinner and I threw some shredded carrots into the venison so that they would have a difficult time avoiding veggies altogether. Addy ate pickles and tomato with her hamburger and Evie just ate the tomato. Izzy didn't eat either, but she did eat her burger, so I was really happy I added the carrots into the burger meat.

I am leaving Thursday night to travel to Virginia to see my sister Jessica graduate. She will be the first of us 4 to graduate from college and will be continuing school so that she can get her master's. I'm so proud of her I could burst and I'm sincerely hoping that Angie follows in her footsteps and is able to graduate in 3 years. Angie just finished her freshman year of college. One of these days I hope to go back to college, but that all depends on when I stop having kids. I could go back to school when my kids are in school, but until then I feel my place is at home with them. Even if they are determined to drive me insane LOL.

So until Thursday, I'll be cleaning my house. I hate to leave it dirty when I'm gone because then I'm stressed when I leave because the house is dirty and I'm stressed when I get back because I'm coming home to a dirty house. Its hard to feel happy to be home when all you really see is the dirty laundry, etc. So I guess that's enough random thoughts for now. I'm off to clean my house :)

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