Why is it that watching someone else do something makes me want to do it? It is pathetic how suggestible people can be. And sometimes laughable. For example, while watching Julie and Julia, I was inspired to blog. Which I already do. See? Laughable.

Envy is such a silly thing. It starts off benignly and then takes over. It starts with the idea that someone else has it better than you. You see greener grass and assume that the entirety of their existence is better. The grass is greener because their everything is better, not because horses are constantly fertilizing it. We make such assumptions on such a regular basis that they become snap judgements that are automatically credible. Such is the pattern of life for many of us.

Once the thought has taken root, it is like a weed. If not pulled up and destroyed, it takes root, digs down and makes itself at home in your mind, popping up whenever it can. And then it takes over.

Well, that's all good and well. We all know how envy works. Now how do we get rid of it? Well, we can start by voicing our assumptions. It might go something like this:

You: "My what beautiful grass you have."
Neighbor: "Why thank you. Your yard smells wonderful."
You: "Doesn't your yard smell wonderful?"
Neighbor: "Heavens no. It smells like the horse manure that made it so green."

And then suddenly you no longer desire the greener grass because you learned about all the crap you would have to deal with to get grass that green.

Or we could skip a couple steps and fight the compulsion to assume that just because someone else's life has one aspect that appears better than ours, that their entire life is better and work with what we have been given rather than waste our time wishing we could work with what others have been given. Because we really have no idea what someone else is really working with unless we ask. And listen to the answer.

I thereby declare envy a ginormous waste of time and vow to do my best to stop letting it invade my thoughts, heart and life. There is one of my New Year's resolutions. Happy New Year!

The truth about boobs and other things

In case I haven't done it before, I am about to reveal myself to be a universallist. Now, I am not entirely sure that is a real word because my lovely iPhone wishes to change it into "universal list" so I should probably explain that term. I believe right is right and wrong is wrong, lovely is lovely and ugly is ugly, black is black and white is white and shades of grey are just our attempts to justify doing what we know we really shouldn't be doing anyways.

But what does this have to do with boobs, you might ask. Well, it strikes me as quite hypocritical that boobs are considered lovely when shoved in a way too small bikini, but stick a nipple in a baby's mouth and boobs can make you not only lose your appetite -- those nasty knockers are apparently gross enough to make you lose your desire to continue grocery shopping. So I guess seeing a baby eat is powerfully gross enough to make you never want to eat again. That sounds pretty weird to me, so if you are as confused as I am, you'll have to ask eligible race car driving bachelor Kasey Kayne to explain the logic behind it.

I wonder if anyone bothered to ask Mr. Kayne his opinion on boobs in bikinis or topless beaches. Or topless bars for that matter. I bet it doesn't jive with his opinion of them while breastfeeding.

The funny thing is, while God does intend a woman's body to be pleasing to the eye, I'm fairly certain that their practical purpose was to nourish babies. I guess that shows us how backwards this world is -- that boobs are prized for their aesthetical properties while being vilified for fulfilling their intended function.

Muffins

Why is it that when you're looking for a recipe, that's the one that is stuck to another page in your cook book? Probably because you spilled something on that page the last time. . .

Well, to make sure that doesn't happen again, here is my muffin recipe. . .

Ingredients:
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil (I prefer safflower oil with vitamin E in it)
1 large egg
1 tbsp vanilla
1 cup blueberries

2 cups all purpose flour (I prefer King Arthur's brand)
1/2 cup plus 2 heaping tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder (I prefer aluminum free)
1/2 tsp salt
cinnamon if desired

Preheat oven to 400 and spray bottom of muffin cups or line with muffin papers.
mix first 4 ingredients with a whisk, add blueberries
sift last 5 ingredients together
add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, stir just until moist (will be lumpy)
fill muffin cups about 2/3 full
bake 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. if in muffin papers, remove immediately. If not, let stand for 5 minutes then remove from pan.

I don't post pictures of my kids on this blog because I don't want to. I love my kids. I'm very proud of my kids. I think they are adorable and fantastic and wonderful. I sometimes post pictures of my kids on FB, but I don't do it very often for several reasons:
1. I'm pretty sure I don't have any pedophiles on my friend list, but you never know and the idea of anyone getting aroused while looking at pics of my kids is really gross.
2. I'm selfish and I like to keep the cuteness to myself. I know I should share my kids more, but I tend to think if anyone *really* wants to see them, they can see them in real life and take their own pictures to remember the occasion by. And that includes their father. Yes its a bit petty, but I am not going to provide anyone who has not seen my kids in over a year by their own choice with photos to brag about them with. If you want to play daddy of the year, start off by visiting your kids at least 1 time in that year.
3. I'm not really that great of a photographer and don't want to post examples of my shoddy work.
4. There is usually stuff cluttering up my pictures. I do my best to keep our house clean, but with 7 kids and 3 adults running around, stuff gets on the floor, on the couch, on the table. . . everywhere. Rapidly. Without ceasing. Until everyone is asleep. At which time, pictures are no longer being taken. I do my best, but if I were to post pictures online for the world to see, I would want to screen out the pictures that show clutter/messes, which wouldn't leave that many pictures to post. And that would add stress to my life that I just don't want to deal with. It would be a small amount of stress, but stress has a tendency to accumulate quickly in my experience.

I am probably not going to post pictures of my kids in this blog. Ever. Because it is a public blog and anyone can see pictures of them in it and I don't feel comfortable posting pics of my kids that anyone can see. I want my blog to be open and genuine and engaging and I feel like I can accomplish this in my posts through my words. I am not willing to post pictures of every aspect of my life because that's just not me.

Inspiring?

I read a great new blog the other day and thought "Wow, I wish I could write like that." And be open and engaging and genuine. And then, I realized I can be. . .

Well, I can try, at least.

I always wanted this blog to be a place where I could be me and share parenting tips and be genuine. And then my husband left and I felt like I had to censor every word that I typed, just in case he happened upon this blog and wanted to use it against me in court. Then I got out of the habit of posting because the idea of filtering what I posted was distasteful to me. Well, I'm divorced now and my ex has no desire to have anything to do with our kids, so I think I'm safe to be me, uncensored. Especially since me, uncensored would mostly be G or PG-13 rated anyways. . . Not sure what I thought I was censoring, anyways. Sigh.

I am trying to be a better mom. Which isn't to say I'm a bad mom, just that I think I could do better and I'm trying. And while I'm in the midst of thinking I can do better, people who admire me annoy me, mostly because I'm annoyed with myself because I think I can do better. Its a vicious cycle of annoyance that I wish I could get away from. And getting away from that vicious cycle is one of the ways I think I can do better. Which, I think, is annoying. And the start of another vicious cycle.

I am human. Limited. Finite. At the same time, I have unlimited possibilities and infinite potential. So do I do what I can and leave the rest to God (or whomever he appoints to do the leftover tasks) or do I over-extend myself and reach for the possibilities? I'm leaning towards the former due to my current sleep deficit. But I don't want to get in the habit of just doing what I can and never trying to stretch and do more because I know how hard habits can be to break. And it annoys me.

Today, my girls and I got our hair cut during Love Loud at our church. We went to the same salon our pastor gets his hair cut at and they were incredibly sweet and gracious and they did a fantastic job. And somewhere during that time, I spoke to the hair stylist about the past year of my life and she told me I was an inspiration and that just made me sad. From my perspective, all I have done this past year is take care of my kids while their father chose not to. I don't see that as being inspiring. I see that as a parent doing what a parent should do. And it saddens me to think that I live in a world where a parent acting like a parent is inspiring. It was nice of her to say. I'm sure she was trying to be encouraging, but it was a little depressing. Which is probably, at least in part, the sleep deficit talking. Which is why I am going to stop blogging right now and go to bed and hopefully reduce that deficit a bit. Goodnight :)

Wait, there's life after divorce? Weird. . .

This has been a very confusing time in my life, a time where I feel as if I am being sifted and measured. . . and typically found lacking. I've spent the past year worrying and stressing and strategizing and trying to figure out how to get here and now that I'm here, I'm not really sure what to do with myself or where to go from here.

Its a relief to no longer worry about and dread the divorce, but at the same time there is a feeling that all that time I spent worrying was a total waste. Why did I worry instead of spending that time figuring out what to do next? Did I think time would stop once I got here, that I'd be given time to think it over before time would continue? Well, it didn't. Now that I'm here, I have to figure out where to go from here and I'm not really sure how to start that process because -- well, I never really thought that I would ever be here. I guess you could say I am totally out of my element.

Time marches on, that's for sure. One thing that I have come to know (even if I haven't learned to utilize it) is that time is the one thing you must pay for everything you do. Everything takes time. And you can't undo or reverse it. You can't get a refund or a do over. Does that mean I have learned time management skills? Heck no. But it does mean that I would like to. Like yesterday ;) Sadly, though, I have also found that if you don't know what you want to do with yourself and your life, you have no destination to aim for and no measuring standard to use to determine what progress you have made toward your goal. Because you have no goal. And "getting through this" is not a goal. Its a coping mechanism. A way to encourage yourself, to tell yourself you will make it past here one day because you're "getting through this" one step at a time. As coping mechanisms go, its great, but as long-distance planning goes, it kinda sucks.

In 4 days, it will be the 1 year anniversary of the day when my life officially changed courses. When I went from a "happily married", stay at home mom, on track and expecting to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved, watching our kids and grandkids grow to being a derailed single mom of 4 -- a displaced homemaker, constantly wondering. Wondering if I'm doing enough to compensate for the fact that their dad left. Wondering if I'm being a good mom and a good dad all at the same time. Wondering how I'm ever going to support my kids when I can't even get a job that would cover the cost of daycare, much less have anything left over to use to support my kids. Wondering what I'm going to do with my life. Obviously I'll always be a mom, but now I have to be more and I have no idea what that more needs to be. Or where to find the time to be it. Or the time to become it. Or how to transform into it.

I'm floundering a little, but I'm still treading water and we'll make it. God is for me, so who can ever stop me? God is with me so what can stand against me?

I'm not really worried about the future anymore. I've seen how God has led me through this divorce to a place where I never intended to be. I've seen how He has taken care of me and walked with me. I've felt His support and love and protection all around me every step of the way. And I am excited to see where we will go next and how we will get there. At this point, I only wished I hadn't spent so much time worrying about what I've already gone through and had spent more time thinking about where to go from here. Or figuring out who I am and what I'm interested in. Its pretty sad (and a little scary) to wake up and realize that you're a 27 year old mother of 4 who doesn't know what she wants to do when she grows up. . . its sad, but I'll get over it and get through it. And I hope that happens sooner rather than later.

Last Meal

Well, in honor of breast cancer awareness month, I decided to get an adenoma on my nipple. Excellent. And tomorrow, I'm going to the hospital to have it removed then biopsied to see if it is malignant or benign. So tonight I had to stop eating and drinking 7 minutes ago. My "last meal" was a favorite of mine -- a 2 egg omelet (made from eggs my sister got from a friend who has her own chickens and yes, that does make a difference) with my own salsa in it (2 habanero peppers, 1 onion, 1 tomato and as much spinach as the liquid in the other 3 ingredients would contain) and cheese with sour cream and avocado on top with blueberries and kiwi and a cup of tea. . . I have surgery tomorrow at 4:30 pm so I'm going to be one hungry bear tomorrow. I sure hope I don't growl at the girls. . .

Scraping off the paint

There is a poem I read as a teenager that I've always loved. Its called Paintbrush, author unknown, and I read it in a Chicken Soup for The Teenage Soul book:

I keep my paintbrush with me,
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show me to you,
Afraid of what you'll do,
That you might laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all of my paint coats,
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You're my friend pure as gold.
I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy,
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true.
But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
Until I love me too.

I loved this poem. It was my mantra. It reinforced the idea that it was ok to act like someone I wasn't to protect myself. And I guess that was ok for then.

But I think I've finally gotten to the point where I love me, too. So now I am trying to strip off all my paint coats and show everyone the real, true me. Because I've seen the damage that comes when you marry someone while you've got your paintbrush handy. . . and it ain't pretty. I never want to make that mistake again.

Part of the problem, though, is I don't really know who I am. I'm still trying to figure that out. And maybe I won't ever figure that out completely. Right now, I know that I am a child of God, a single mother to 4 beautiful girls, a daughter, a sister, a friend. . . I try to do my best in everything I do. I'm not perfect. I'm opinionated, bossy, and intollerant of stupid people. I love children and cats and dogs (as long as they belong to someone else), good times, good friends and good food. I love life, fiber arts, and I want to learn how to dance. I'm sure I'll change and learn more about me along the way, but that's who I am now and I love me. :)

What the Bible has to say about divorce

Well, first of all the Bible says that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), but allows for divorce for "just cause" which specifically includes adultery (Matthew 5:32) and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15) and God's mercy allows for the innocent party (the party that did NOT commit adultery or abandon their spouse) to remarry; however, they are not permitted to remarry their spouse (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). God takes relationships seriously. They are not revolving doors. Marriage is intended to be permanent and so is divorce.

I admit, I have said aloud a couple times that I am going to divorce Joey no matter what at this point, but we could always get back together and get remarried later if he were to get saved and repent of his adultery and abandoment, along with many, many other "ifs". I said this, never expecting that any of my "requirements" for a restored relationship will ever be met and to date they have not, but I will not be saying that any longer. Now that I know remarriage is against the Bible, it is no longer discussable even in theoretical terms. I am not in any way having 2nd thoughts regarding going through with this divorce; however, I wonder if he is keeping me in the back of his mind as a "backup plan" in case his life does not go as he hopes it will. I am NOT a backup plan.

God compares infidelity in marriage to idolatry (infidelity in your relationship with God) and describes marriage as 2 fleshes becoming 1, which means divorce is when 1 flesh is ripped in 2. No wonder it causes so much pain.

I know I am spending a lot of time blogging about divorce lately, but I suppose that is only natural. I blog what I know and what I'm learning about and right now, I am getting a crash course in divorce. Its not something I ever wanted to learn about or was ever curious about before, but I hope my going through this and learning more about divorce will help someone else. And that is why I blog it.

Me and my "D"

Divorce.

Its a bad word. A bad thought. And a necessary evil in a time when people, for whatever reason, think they are entitled to have and do whatever they want whenever they want, regardless of how it affects others.

Want a new watch, but don't have the money for it? Charge it on a credit card. Who cares about your credit. . . After all, the economy's shot anyways. What's the point in having good credit in a country that has bad credit? Think that girl in the bar is hot, but you're married? Go after her anyways. Who cares if your marriage ends in divorce. . . After all 50% of the population's doing it.

Sin is a tempting, slippery slope that drags you down and while you fall, everyone connected to you is either drug down with you or muddied in the process of fighting to break free from you so as not to be drug down with you. But those who are bound and determined to do and have what they want when they want without any regard to how their actions and the repercussions of their actions affect others probably don't care if you get a little muddy in the process.

How do we get in this position? Well, its very simple and very complex, all at the same time.

First of all, good people do bad things. There is a 50% rate of divorce among Americans these days and there is a 50% rate of divorce among Americans who consider themselves to be Christians as well. Sin is tempting. It happens. Especially if you don't guard yourself and your marriage against it.

Secondly, people don't take as long to get to know the the person they are marrying these days. "Way back when" people would date a bunch of different people to figure out what they wanted in a mate, then date one person exclusively for years then get engaged and stay engaged for years and then get married. They also stayed celibate in the process. So they had lots of time to examine their potential partner for inconsistencies, incompatibilities, and fatal flaws with none of the sex induced emotions clouding their judgement. And its no surprise if someone can wait years to have sex with you that they can later abstain from having sex with anyone BUT you.

Third, we have the unequally yoked issue. Yes, I know, I just said that Christians are just as likely as non-Christians to get divorced. I'm not sure about the statistics of cheating, but I would like to think that if you believe it to be against your religion [Exodus 20:14 (the 7th of the 10 commandments) "You shall not commit adultery."], you're probably less likely to do it than someone who does not think its against their religion. Also, I would like to think that 2 people who have the same beliefs are going to be more compatible than 2 people that have completely different beliefs. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I'd like to think.

And fourth, we all need to grow up and if we are grown up, we need to make sure we marry a grown up. We can't always have what we want when we want it. Some of our parents didn't teach us that and as a result, we don't discipline ourselves or delay our own gratification. We just give in to temptation because we want it and if we don't get it, we'll have to throw a fit and we don't look cool going floppy fish in our 20s, so we might as well just have what we want. Because we can. I know, if you've never been told "no" in your life, its hard to tell yourself "no", but remember 1 Corinthians 10:23 -- "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Do what is good for you, what is beneficial and constructive FOR YOU. And in this case, it will be beneficial for everyone around you. No one benefits from adultery, broken homes, or broken marriages. Just ask the guy who cheated on me and will be paying child support for his 4 kids for the next 18+ years. I think he'd agree at this point that it wasn't beneficial to him. And if he doesn't now, give him a few years to grow up and I'm sure he'll agree then.

Divorce is ever on my mind these days. I don't want to be divorced. I don't "believe in" divorce. But I'm going to be divorced and right now, I feel like I have a big D on my chest, like I'm trying a D shirt on for size and I hate it. I feel like my every thought is clouded by divorce colored glasses. And I hate it. I know its what's right in my current situation. I know you can't fix a marriage by yourself. I know that adultery is an acceptable reason according to my Bible for divorce as is abandonment. I know God has a plan for my life and me going through this is part of His plan. I will walk through this valley if He wants me to and I will come out of this valley one day. And I know He will be with me every step of the way. And I am so thankful for that.

I know I'm usually much more positive than this, but man I just had to get that D off my chest for a minute and express my thoughts and feelings on divorce. Here's to hoping someone out there is helped by this.

This might be. . . take your freedom ;)

The other day, it seemed like everywhere I looked, there were people in love and kids with their fathers and all I could think about was how we're missing out on that and how unfair this is and how wrong this is. You shouldn't promise to love and be faithful 'til death do us part and keep your end of the deal only to later find out your spouse did not. It sucks and would not happen in a perfect world.

And then I heard this song on the way home and it totally changed my perspective. Yes, this still sucks and its still wrong and it still should have never happened. But maybe I get to have my cake and eat it, too. I mean, I have my wonderful kids and I get to keep them and they are the BEST part of our relationship. And now I get a do over on the rest. That wasn't my last first kiss (I hope). And that crappy proposal over the bathroom sink while brushing my teeth might not always be the proposal I think of when I see a proposal scene in a movie. I'll always have my kids and now I get a chance to find someone who loves me the way I need to be loved. If that person exists. And if not, I'm no longer stuck with someone who doesn't want to be stuck with me. I'm free.

And then I heard this song and it didn't hurt and I didn't immediately change the channel on the radio and I realized how far I've come. Sure I still have mornings when I wake up and think "maybe it was all a nightmare." because it is. But at the same time, whatever part of me was hoping he would come back and say he made a mistake is totally gone. I don't think of him most days. And when I do, there is no longing for him to return. I'm healing. I'm on my way. To where? Who knows. I'm just glad I'm not where I was. . .

I don't know who I am. There it is. The root of all my insecurity. When I got married, I was a baby. A bad-assed little 19 year old baby who was carrying a baby of her own, but a baby nonetheless when you consider how little I knew of myself and what I wanted out of life. 7 years later, I am still a baby. I guess that means my growth as an individual has been retarded.

To be honest, its mostly my fault because I chose to look to others for guidance on EVERYTHING. And when I made decisions, half the time I allowed my decisions to be changed by others. Research is time consuming and making up your mind is just too taxing with a million different options to choose from and its hard to stand up for your decisions when they aren't firmly made and others you respect and care for oppose them. Its far too easy to fall into the trap of "what if I make the wrong decision" and instead make no decision at all, or allow others to make your decisions so if something goes wrong you always have someone else to blame them on.

Well, that works fine when your married (minus the fact that you're setting your spouse up to be the one who always made the wrong decision), but it doesn't work nearly as well when you're a single parent. Doing 2 people's jobs and not getting paid for either, but being responsible for all. Its hard. Its time consuming. Its daunting. AND ITS WORTH IT.

I know I talk about being intentional a lot. Mostly, I am talking to me because its easy for me to fall into unintentionally doing stuff and I feel that that is wrong. That is something wrong I have been doing for a long time. And I am trying to break that habit. I don't think life is meant to be easy. I don't think its really the easy way out either. I think in the long run, we will be held responsible for all our decisions, whether intentional or passive. You can totally glide through life. I have done it. But the mainstream does not take me anywhere I want myself or my children to be and I've decided going against the tide is worth the work I have to put into it.

I am slowly but surely learning more about myself and my capabilities, more about what I want out of life, and more about God and I am going to continue down that path, walking intentionally every step of the way and remembering that I have 4 little girls shadowing my every move. Its a hard job, but somebody's gotta do it and I'm really glad that God decided that somebody got to be me.

Blueberries anyone?

My favorite food is blueberries. My favorite meal is breakfast, likely because most of the ways I know of to eat blueberries are for breakfast. Although, I do have to admit that I eat them for snacks, too. Also, just because they are there, because I want something sweet or "just because".

Here are some of my favorite ways to eat blueberries, which I make as often as possible.

homemade waffles using krusteaz waffle mix, with cool whip and berries on top

Our special 4th of July cake, a devil's food cake (from boxed mix) with cool whip as icing and berries to make it look like a flag. The kids had a blast helping to make it.

They also had a blast helping to eat it. This is Addy and Evie enjoying our special 4th of July cake.

Yogurt parfait with Greek God's brand greek yogurt, honey flavored, with muesili and berries on top. This one has cool whip on top, too.

Yogurt parfait without cool whip on top, same recipe as above.

One of my favorite places to be during the month of July is Berry Patch Farms. I like it in fall, too, when they have pumpkins, but throughout the month of July, blueberries are in season.

You see, I am a foodie. And blueberries are my favorite. And Berry Patch Farms is my favorite place to get them. Berry Patch Farms is a pick your own farm. They do not ever spray pesticides on their blueberries, so its perfectly safe to pick blueberries off the trees and eat them as you go. They encourage you to when you get there. They provide the buckets, bags and berries and they mark the trees that have poison ivy on them so that you don't get unwittingly exposed to that ick. You pick the berries and pay $2 a pound for the ones that manage to stay in the bucket long enough to be weighed. The girls and I spent an hour there 2 weeks ago while we were house sitting. We went at 7:30 at night so Izzy wouldn't have any issues with the sun and we had a blast. The girls stayed with me, Addy served as the foghorn to let us know if we came within 10 feet of a pink ribbon (poison ivy indicator), we ate about 3 lbs of blueberries in the process and took home 1 lb, which means our outing cost $2, 5-10 minutes for the trip there, another 5-10 for the trip back and was the perfect outing to help the kids fall into exhausted sleep as soon as we got home. Which was bliss for me :)

Ice cream and redonkulous cat-tastrophies

Before you read this, please understand I am EXHAUSTED. So if I make no sense, that's why.

Today, I had a thought. Marriage is like putting ice cream in a cone, then problems come and life "heats up" and the ice cream and cone fuse together, cone gets gooey, ice cream melts and imagine trying to separate the ice cream from the cone at this point. That is called divorce.

I had another thought -- well, actually, a couple of connected thoughts -- today. We'll call it wisdom gleaned from Shrek Ever After. If you haven't watched the movie, these next 2 points will probably make you scratch your head in confusion.

1. Don't be a Rumplestinkypants. First of all, "no one wants to make a deal with you, Mr. Rumplestinkypants." Don't be a parent that "makes deals." This is not "Let's make a deal," you are responsible for your kids and you have to make decisions and be the parent. Not be the deal maker. Secondly, when your kids are talking to you, don't dismiss what they are saying immediately. Listen, process, then respond. Sometimes they have some great ideas that we just dismiss immediately and harshly, hurting their feelings in the process. Some "witches" can be un-melted with time, others can't be and anyways, whether you can unmelt the witch or not is not the point. If you can avoid having problems altogether just by listening and thinking before you respond, you should.

2. Be Redonkulous. Frequently. Laughter is wonderful for the soul and for the parent/child relationship. And for the post-baby belly. So the next time your kid does something redonkulous or cat-tastrophic or just plain annoying and stressful, just laugh for a minute. You'll laugh, they'll laugh, everyone will get a good laugh and come out less stressed. It really is worth it.

So that's all my wisdom for today and I'm too tired to figure out a cute sign off, so have a good night.

Friday Night Fever

Well, maybe not fever, but a darn good time. . .

This Friday night, I went to a Single Mother's Banquet at my church. I am in a single mom's Sunday school class and once a year they have a banquet for all the single moms. We had prime rib (I don't really eat beef, but I ate it and it tasted ok, but made me feel like crud afterwards), double chocolate cake, spinach, walnut, boiled egg and cranberry salad, and some veggies.

We listened to one of the ladies who sings in our choir sing Stronger by Mandisa, which I think is going to be my new theme song, and Lori Salierno spoke. It was fantastic. Lori definitely has the gift of gab and she really helped me a lot. I know it sounds stupid, but there was a small part of me that thought "if I was really a good Christian, Joey leaving shouldn't bother me. . ." but having someone who works in ministry struggle with the pain from divorce and her husband's infidelity just kinda freed me to feel how I feel without feeling guilty. I met a couple new IRL friends and just had a fantastic time. I wish I had taken pictures, but my sister hasn't found the charger for the camera she's letting me use yet, so I'll just have to add some pics later, I guess.

Sadly, that and going to a movie at the church with my single mom's Sunday school class is the only 2 Friday night events I've been to since before my husband left, so when I say I'm a homebody, I really do mean it. . . but I'm working on it, too. Both those events were in the last 6 weeks, so I guess I'm getting better.

The pizza is good.

Its funny how, when you are mourning, which often happens on unintended journeys, the stupidest things can make you sad. Like pizza. Wo gets sad about pizza? Its cheesy and its yummy. . . Its a comfort food. . . and I used to make it with my husband.

I love pizza. Even when it makes me sad. And I'm not going to stop making or eating pizza just because it makes me sad. But I can't help but thin, while making it, about the fact that my husband isn't here and probably never will be again. And its not bcause he's dead. And its not because of anything I did. Its because one day he woke up and decided he just didn't want to be there anymore. One day, he decided being able to walk into a bar, drink as much as he wants and take home anyone who's willing to go with him was worth more than having a wife and 4 kids at home who adore him.

So here I am, making pizza by myself. Neing sad and lonely. Or as lonely as you can bewith 4 children ALWAYS there. And I know it won't last forever. And I hope someday I'll meet someone new. But for now, here I am. . . the pizza is good btw :)

We Buy Gold. . .

Have you ever seen those signs that say "WE BUY GOLD" and wondered how that works? Well, I used to wonder. . . now I know.

Let me preface this by saying I don't particularly like jewelry. And I especially dislike gold. I prefer silver and always have. All of which my husband knew. And yet, somehow I wound up with a pile of jewelry -- most of which was gold. I guess that should have been a sign right there that something was wrong, but when you don't WANT something to be wrong, you don't look for signs that something is wrong. And now, I'm kind of glad that he got it for me.

Last Friday, I got sick of seeing it. I'm never going to wear it again and there is NO WAY I would jinx my kids with it, so I decided to get rid of it. Well, that's easier said than done and I couldn't afford to get cheated since I have 4 kids to raise and next to no help from their father, so I decided to visit a couple places before making my decision on who to sell it to.

The first place I went to had the "We Buy Gold" sign. It was Southeast Gold Buyers. It seemed legit. They had to buzz you in the door, paid you via check, and they even do "gold selling parties" which are like tupperware parties, only you get a bunch of your friends and their gold together and you all sell your gold. . . and that's when it started looking pyramidal. See, if you have a gold party, you get a percentage and bonuses, etc, etc, etc. . . So I sat down with a nice, pretty, friendly sales associate named "Kaley G." (at least, that's what she wrote on my card that she gave me). First, she waved a magnet over my jewelry to make sure none of it was magnetic (which would mean it was mixed metals and not pure gold/whatever). Then, she separated out the different types (10k, 12k, 14k, and sterling silver), then she weighed each (I had 6.6 of 10k, 4.8 of 14k, and 28.4 of sterling silver according to her scales) and gave me a price. Her first price was $148 which was including a 20% add on coupon from online. I said thanks, but I'm going to get another offer or two before I sell to anyone. At which point and time, she became a car salesman --er car saleswoman. She called her boss "to see if she could offer me a better price and save me gas and time driving around town to get better offers." Her boss said she could go up to $175. I said thanks again, but I was still going to get some other offers and she made a last ditch offer of $200 and told me that she could beat anyone else's offer by 10% as long as that didn't bring the price up more than $50 from where it was now (so max of $250) and she could still give me the $200 if I came back before 6 pm that day. At this point, I have a screaming baby and a very bad taste in my mouth from the whole experience because, let's face it, "selling" to me seems synonymous with "lying" and I'm not a big fan of that. Don't tell me you can only give me $148 and that's a good deal because that is including 20% more than your usual pricing and then turn around and tell me well actually you can go $175 then well, actually $200, then well, actually 10% more than anyone else up to $185. I'm not going to bite and I'm probably going to get angry with you for being full of bull. So I leave, hoping that I can find someone else that will give me more and I won't have to deal with her bull again.

Then I go to a jewelry store. Its apparently called "Gold Rush", but the sign just says "Jeweler" in big, green letters. Very creative. The man who worked there (I didn't get his name) did the same routine, checked for magnetism, verified the weights and types (Southeast Gold Buyers had actually put a 10k gold ring in the 14k gold pile), checked the stock market to see the current price of gold and gave me a price of $285. No haggling, no bull. I told him thank you very much, I am going to go a few more places, but I'm sure I'll be back because this is the best price so far. He was nice, polite, kind and he gave me a price of $35 more than Southeast Gold's "top price" -- even with Southeast Gold counting me as having more 14k than I actually had -- right off the bat without making me have to deal with a bunch of bull first. It was very refreshing and I thought it was cool that he used real time stock market info to figure out pricing.

Then I went to A&M Gold Company. They did the same routine as everyone else and offered me $300. So I told them I was going one more place and then would probably be back because they were the best price I'd gotten so far. The man was nice and polite, kind of a throwback, though. He used a calculator to figure out the offering price and he used it like my dad does (pressing enter a bunch of times when he's done LOL).

Then I went to Kaminski Jewelery. . . You know, "You wantski good priceski come in and see Kaminski." That was a really cool experience. I got to meet Carol Kaminski. She's the owner of the company and has been on billboards and in her own commercials for as long as I can remember. Meeting her was kind of like meeting a celebrity. She was so nice and down to earth, though. It was refreshing. They took my jewelry behind the scenes, but I'm sure they did the same procedure everyone else did, check for mixed metals, separate and weigh. They offered me $295.

So, all in all, it was a great experience. I probably could have haggled and got a the $300 out of Kaminski, but I didn't feel like playing games and had to drive right by A & M to get where I was going anyways, so I took the jewelry back to A & M and got my $300.

BTW, in GA you have to present a photo ID, sign your name and place your thumb print on the page with a copy of your ID and your signature on it to sell gold. Its a law apparently. I guess it makes sense as far as deterring people from selling stolen jewelry, but whether it makes sense or not, that is the process.

So if you are selling jewelry in the Woodstock area, I would recommend A&M Gold Company first, then Kaminski Jewelry, then Gold Rush. . . but don't go to Southeast Gold Company. They will low-ball you, lie to you and sweet talk you into thinking you're getting a great deal in the process. Sure, they have a A+ BBB rating. . . because their customers don't know any better. Don't be that customer and don't waste your time. A & M will give you twice what Southeast initially offers you, but really pretty much anywhere is better than Southeast Gold Company. And the sad thing is, they are all doing the exact same thing, melting down the gold and selling it to someone else. I guess that means the PSA of the day is be careful who you sell to. . .

Anyways, good luck and happy gold sales.

Shrek Forever After

What a mess I am, that a child's movie upsets me, but I guess the adult version (Its A Wonderful Life) would, too, at this point. Since men wishing they had never been born due to the pressures of having a family to provide for and life becoming "routine" has been a movie topic since at least 1946, then it must have been a societal issue for at least that long, but its just become one for me. I used to laugh at my mom crying while she watched Its A Wonderful Life, but I almost cried watching Shrek Forever After and that is so much sadder in my opinion. I mean, who cries at a cartoon?

I guess we all come to a point in our life when we wonder why and how people could do what they do. And I'm there now. I wonder why anyone would ever abandon their children and how they could walk away and never look back. I wonder how long greener pastures seem greener and how they could seem greener when you have to leave what is yours behind to try to take something you've already given up.

I'm sad, but that's nothing compared to what my children feel. In their eyes, even if he was an ugly color, he's a color that's no longer in their world and its a empty spot. And anything that reminds them of that color has the capability to make them sad. And I can't do anything to fix it. I never wanted this to happen and I don't ever want him back in my life, but I wish he was in theirs because at least then they would not have that lack.

I know God is omniscient and I know he loves me and my children and wants what's best for us. So I know there is a reason for him to be gone from their lives. But its still hard. And apparently makes me apt to cry at cartoons.

My PSA for today goes out to all males. Please do not start a family unless you want it for the rest of your life. Please do not give up when it gets tedious and routine and stressful and hard. If you do anything for an extended period of time, there will be hard times and if you give up, you miss out on all the good times that will come when you get through the hard times. And you leave your family vulnerable and hurting while you chase elusive and nonexistent greener pastures. And one day you may regret it. Bottom line -- this ain't no fairy tale. You don't get 24 hours to do what you will and then you can change your mind and say the magic words and its like it never happened. There will be pivotal moments in your lives and your decisions at that point will not just affect you, but everyone around you. If you have a family who loves you, good friends, a good job and a promising future, please do not abandon that. Please do not quit. Please. The world needs more men that stick around, not more little boys that chase their own selfish whims. Thanks to all the males who are men. This world does not have enough men. And way too many boys that refuse to grow up.

Stepping off my soap box now. Have a lovely day :)

Father's Day PSA

First of all, I hope all the great dads out there had a fantastic Father's Day because they deserved it -- they are priceless and there aren't enough of them to go around. Case in point, my kids are missing one. . .

I especially hope my father, my FIL and my BIL (my children's "uncle-daddy") had a fantastic father's day and that they know how much I and my children love them and thank God for them.

Also, I hope all the single moms out there who serve as both mom and dad for their kids and do a fantastic job in both capacities had a great father's day and felt special and important, not just regretful that their kids don't have a good father in their lives. ♥

That having been said, my Father's Day PSA (Public Service Announcement, and yes, I did just have to look that up because I had NO IDEA what PSA stood for and I don't like to post acronyms when I don't know what they mean even if I've seen them used in the same context before) is this: Father's Day is a day set aside for children to honor their fathers for the positive impact they have on their lives, to thank and celebrate their fathers, NOT a day for deadbeat sperm donors to demand attention and undeserved accolades. If you are a father who abandoned your kids and don't make any effort to speak to them or spend time with them on a regular basis, its pretty rude to call and leave a message requesting to speak to your children "after all, its father's day" and you probably won't get a call back. Grow up and be a FATHER or give up on being celebrated on FATHER'S DAY. Just sayin'. . .

A letter to my 26 year old self. . .

Oh, you arrogant creature. Oh, you passive-aggressive creation of God. Are you really as foolish as you seem? Do you really think you are just a cosmic anomaly that developed over millions of years from nothing? How? How did something like you come from nothing? You can't make something from nothing, you know. If you don't believe me, try it for yourself. Or even better, sit for a million years and see if the nothing in your hands turns into something. . .

So if we've established that we cannot make something from nothing and the universe can't either, then there must be Someone who can make something from nothing. And He made us. Knowing exactly what we would be like, He made us. Knowing exactly what the world would be like when we came to be in it, He made us. He knit us together in our mothers bodies. And for what? To sit passive-aggressively (although mostly passively) on our bums, wondering why we are here, wondering how we got here, but never doing anything with the here because "we aren't supposed to be here"? I think not.

You were lovingly and purposefully made just the way you are for a reason, intended to be in this place at this time for a purpose. This is your season. Are you fulfilling your purpose? Are you doing what you do to the best of your ability? Or are you playing the waiting game, waiting for a different season - the ever elusive "right time"?

Well, stop waiting. Now is the only time you have and you are not guaranteed to have more. You are not guaranteed to ever reach what you perceive to be "the right time". Do not waste the now, the only time you do have, waiting for another time. There are things you can do now. So do it while you are waiting. Worship while you are waiting. Serve while you are waiting. Fulfill your function, whether that be employee, wife, mother, friend, child. . . whatever you are, be what you are to the best of your ability while you are waiting. Live purposefully and prosper. Fulfill your potential now. Because now is all you have.

STOP BEING WASTEFUL AND BE WHAT YOU WERE INTENDED TO BE. And if you don't know what that is, find out. And while you are finding out, do what you can to help yourself and those around you so that if you never find out, you did not waste your time and your potential. Sometimes its not the destination, but the journey, that is significant. God did not bring you to this place and time so that you could coast to the next place and time. He brought you here to surf, to skate, to be active, purposeful and useful, to journey to the next place and time. What do you think you are waiting for? Pick a direction and GO. DO. SERVE. JOURNEY. Whatever you do, do it on purpose. That way, when you get wherever you are going, you will know how you got there instead of continuing to say "how did I get here? I am not supposed to be here" and other such drivel.

Don't forget to smile :)

A Book Review and A Goodbye

I just finished reading The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity by William P. Young 3 days ago and let me tell you, it was timely reading indeed. The book follows a father through the grieving process when his child is senselessly murdered. It is a book about his healing by Papa, who we know as Abba, Lord, God the Father. It talks about how he feels throughout the process, doesn't mince words, is raw and honest and offers a different view of the Trinity and Abba and helped me to see God in a way I hadn't previously. Obviously, with our human eyes, human vantage point and human concept of time, space, reality and purpose, we can never truly understand God completely, but I feel this book deepened my understanding.

Well, its one thing to conceptually understand and quite another to be given a real life example. Its one thing to read a book about a senseless tragedy and quite another to be confronted by a senseless tragedy yourself. Its so easy to hear about horrible crimes on the news and think "that's awful" and then go about your life like nothing happened and then tragedy strikes in your people-sphere and you realize that deep down you always had this erroneous, childish belief that tragedies were things that happened to "others." I'm sure we all have things that we think only happen to "others." Well, now I am sad to say I have one less thing in that category. And its funny to me that I had anything in that category at all. I have not lived a charmed life. In fact, this is probably the best time of my life. But I have never known anyone who was murdered.

Until now. Sunday, June 5, 2011, Shannon Marie Lawrence met her ex in a bank parking lot to bring him their children for his visitation time with them. There, in front of their 2 young children, he shot her 4 times in the face. Then he drove the children to his parents house and took her to the hospital where she was pronounces dead upon arrival.

My sister drove by the bank yesterday. There was a small part of the parking lot corded off by crime scene tape and nothing else. Nothing to mark that piece of ground as cursed. Nothing to show that that spot is the spot where the light of one of the world's most beautiful smiles was brutally, senselessly extinguished. Nothing to differentiate that part of the parking lot as different from the rest of the parking lot with the exception of crime scene tape that will be removed far too soon. People will park there again, never knowing. It sickens me. It baffles me. It derails me.

There are no words. No words to express what I feel. I alternate between wanting to barf and wanting to cry and in the meantime, I have done neither and I continue to feel terrible.

There are too many questions and not enough answers. Like why did this person still have visitation when he was arrested last year and charged with stalking, assault and battery? Father or not, why expose the children and Shannon to this type of danger? Why did they meet at a bank? Banks are closed on Sundays, parking lots empty, secluded. And then there are harder questions. Like why do the good die young? That stupid song has been stuck in my head for the past 2 days. I thought it was a stupid song before, but I somehow think it even stupider now that it makes more sense to me. . . and now that its stuck in my head. Why would anyone kill the mother of their children in front of their children? Even if you don't care about their mother, you should care about your own children. Why did he have a gun with him to pick up his children? That doesn't seem like a necessary tool for that job. . . Why bother to take her to the hospital at all after you shot her 4 times in the head? Clearly he wasn't thinking logically, but that only makes it harder for people who do think logically to comprehend what he did. And the questions get harder still. . . Like has this world always been this corrupt and full of evil? Or is this just part of a continuous downward spiral? And the hardest question of all -- Why? Just why?

I knew Shannon in high school. She was in my sister's grade. I was friends with her brother. I wasn't very nice in general in high school and I wasn't close friends with her, but I did like her and thinking about her now, every memory I have of her is of her smiling. She always had a smile on her face and she could light up a room. Her smile was infectious. It was hard to see her smiling face and not smile back, but I was goth/emoish so I tried. . . sometimes even a goth like me couldn't help but smile when I saw her. She was genuine, honest, and sweet. She was confident and beautiful. Looking at pictures of her since high school, it looks like she only got better. She was a beautiful mother. When she was with her children, her face glowed.

I haven't seen Shannon since high school and I was much different then. Becoming a mom changed me, made me a more positive person, brought me closer to God. I got back in touch with her brother, Justin, on FB and I found out she had children and still lived in this area. I thought we might enjoy hanging out with our kids, so I tried to friend her on FB a couple months ago. But she never got around to accepting my friend invite on FB. And now she never will. :*(

I feel helpless and awful and inadequate. I wish there was something I could do to help anyone. I know nothing will make this better, but I wish I could help just a little bit. Selfishly, I think helping someone else would probably help me, too. But I just don't know what to do. What do you do to counteract that magnitude of evil? I don't know. I feel like a sad, lost, little child. So I pray. I pray and I pray and I pray. I pray that good will come in the wake of this tragedy. I pray that Emma and Peter were protected from what happened, that even though they were there they somehow were spared from seeing it and thereby protected from having to deal with those images in the future. I pray that Shannon's mom will get custody of them because she loves them and they love her and they already lived with her, so I think it would be in the best interest of her and them. I pray for her family, for her friends, for me. I pray for her ex. Sometimes I pray for him in a Jaron and the Long Road to Love sense of the word, sometimes I pray for justice, I pray the book gets thrown at him and prison is a horrible experience. And then I pray for me. That I will understand that I can't understand everything. That I will get through this. That I will learn from this and not be completely derailed by this. That I will learn to take more pictures, to spend more time with my kids playing and less time worrying about how clean the floor is, that every moment is precious. Life is far too short and none of us know when our time is through. I pray. A lot.

I don't know how to express how I feel any better than I have and I know I have not done it justice. And I know I need to read that book again. But right now, I'm going to pick up Rory and give her and Addy and Evie and Izzy a hug and a kiss. . . and maybe ice cream with their lunch.

Garbanzo Pasta recipe

Preface: This is delicious, addictive, super easy to make and - GASP - healthy. I could eat this 2 times a day for a week and still not get sick of it.

Ingredients:
1 pkg spiral noodles, either whole wheat or multicolored (I like multicolored because they have a serving of veggies in the noodles and that's pretty cool to me)
Wishbone House Italian dressing
1 cucumber
4 spines of celery
1/2 onion
2-3 chives or scallions
1 cup shredded carrots

Directions:
Boil noodles according to package directions and rinse with cold water.
Finely chop veggies.
Mix all ingredients together in bowl with top, reserving some dressing for when serving.
Place in fridge to chill.
Spoon into bowl, add a little more dressing and top with parmesan cheese if you would like or salt if you're like me ;)
Enjoy and repeat often :)

Cleanliness is next to Godliness?

I have recently decided to read my Bible cover to cover. I had started reading in the New Testament and was going to read the entire New Testament and then read the Old Testament because the New Testament seems easier to understand. And then I went to Secret Church. And found out that Secret Church has online media resources allowing me to watch all the old Secret Church sessions. And then I watched the Old Testament session of Secret Church, thinking "Well, if I watch that, I won't have to read the Old Testament because that will teach me all I need to know about the Old Testament. . ." and instead, it made me want to read the Old Testament. The best laid plans LOL. . .

So I started at the beginning and I'm in Leviticus now and I'm of the opinion that the catch phrase "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" originated from the book of Leviticus. See, Leviticus is all about the guidelines the Israelites were given at that time period, what made them unclean, how to reattain cleanliness, and why it was bad to be "unclean". If you were "unclean" you could not go into the temple. You could not be in the presence of the Lord. If you were unclean and went in the presence of the Lord, you would die. You had to be clean to be next to God. So in the book of Leviticus, cleanliness was quite literally next to Godliness.

I highly recommend you check out Secret Church. It is a phenomenal resource in my quest to continuously learn more about God. If you have never heard of Secret Church, that's partially my fault as I have been meaning to blog about it for a couple months now and just haven't gotten around to it. You can all thank my cousin, Beth, for reminding me to blog. Its sad that I needed the reminder, but I did.

I attended Secret Church telecast session at FBCW this April. Secret Church is a in depth Bible Study. It lasts 6 hours, during which time the study is focused on persecution in a specific area of the world as well as a specific topic in scripture. Previous topics covered are "Survey of the Old Testament", "Survey of the New Testament", "How to Study the Bible", "Who is God?", "Exploring the Holy Spirit", "The Cross of Christ", "Angels, Demons, and Spiritual Warfare", "The Gospel, Possessions and Prosperity", "The Body of Christ", and "Crucifixion, Salvation and the Glory of God", which is the session I attended.

Secret Church sessions are held with the intention that those of us who attend or watch online will take what we learn and teach it to others, which is the intention of secret churches all over the world. The only difference is, we are blessed to live in a country where we are not persecuted for gathering together to learn about God.

I am so glad I attended in April and I hope to be at the next session in November. And between now and then, I hope to make it through all the other sessions. I have watched the Survey of the Old Testament and started to watch the Survey of the New Testament, got about halfway through and decided I really wanted to read through the Old Testament before going any further, so hopefully I will also have finished reading through my Bible cover to cover by the November session as well. I am really looking forward to being at the next session and learning more about God through his Word. Check out Secret Church yourself, watch a couple sessions and you'll see why I'm so excited about it. Happy Bible reading :)

Beth, this blog's for you :)

Happy birthday, Beth. I am very happy that you reminded me to blog as its something that constantly slips my mind. I am flattered that you like to read it so much you would ask me to blog on your birthday, so here I am. . . 24 minutes of your birthday remaining. I hope you got your license.

Did you know that I didn't get my license until I was 18. Actually, I was almost 19, had already graduated high school. It was the May or June before the September I turned 19. I was SOOOO not ready. I hope if you got your license that you are ready. And don't drive when you're mad. Pull off the road and scream or slam the door or do whatever it takes to stop being mad, but don't drive mad. That's how my mom's explorer died. Sorry Mom.

If I was to give you a piece of advice for your birthday, Beth, it would be this: Live purposefully. I know that sounds simple and maybe even silly, but I regret the time I wasted coasting through life. Not that I'm saying you coast through life, but if you do, don't ;). Think about what you are doing. Research before you make decisions. Live a life that you will not regret when you are older. Learn about yourself, your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses. Love yourself so that you can better love others. Even though the world does not consider you to be an adult yet, your present determines the path your future takes. I hope you have had a fantastic birthday and I pray you have many wonderful future birthdays ahead of you.

Green Omelets

If you love green smoothies, so why not green omelets. They are super simple, yummy, and completely customizable. Here's my favorite:

Ingredients:
spinach
onion
tomato
habanero pepper
3 eggs
shredded Mexican cheese

Directions:
Preheat pan
Whisk eggs
With food processor, blend all veggies to make pasty consistency and to taste, wait until egg is almost completely cooked, add cheese over whole omelet and a thick layer of paste over 1/2. Fold and finish cooking. I like sour cream on top of mine. As always, enjoy and repeat :)

Mother's Day

First I'd like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and mothers-to-be out there, reading this. Mother's Day is a lovely day to honor our first friends, the beautiful, talented, caring, sharing women who raised us.

There is a saying "It takes a village to raise a child." In my opinion, supported by this quote and common sense, there are many mothers in each of our "villages" and we should take the opportunity today to honor all of them.

Today, I honor my mother, my best friend from 6th grade on's mother, my best friend from AL's mother, and my mom's best friend. They were all instrumental in shaping me into the woman and mother I am today and I thank God for their presences in my life. As usual, God knew what he was doing.

Today, I am a mother because God, in his infinite wisdom, chose to bless me with 4 beautiful daughters. Words cannot express how much I love them and how much they have helped me grow and helped to shape me into the woman and mother I am and the one I will someday be. I thank God for entrusting me with them and I ask Him to help me every step along the way. I know He will.

I also want to thank the members of my DDC, all mothers who walked through my pregnancy and Rory's birth with me. They have supported me from 2 pink lines through Joey leaving for basic and then leaving for "greener pastures." When I can't talk to anyone else, they are always there, never judgmental, just supporting me and loving me "and the greatest of these is love."

My Mother's Day gift to myself is honesty and patience. This is a difficult day for me because I am reminded of my failing. In my eyes, my first gift to my children was a bad father and that grieves me.

This is not an easy holiday for a single mom, that's for sure. Its probably right up there with Valentine's Day. You are surrounded by happy families and its just a constant reminder of what you no longer have and it hurts. Today, I am being patient with myself and allowing myself to work through this pain. It probably won't be a fun day. But I hope and pray to grow through it. And I thank God for one more day to spend with my children.

Happy Mother's Day :)

Project 365

Well, I was going to do Project 365, but I'm just too private. I don't want to post pictures of my kids on the internet and they are the significant part of my life that I would want to photograph daily. Then I thought, I'll just do a written portrait daily, kind of like the reverse of a picture is worth a thousand words. Yesterday, I did "A Portrait of A Day in My Life," but didn't feel comfortable posting my schedule on the internet. It just skeeved me. In my mind, it would have been the equivalent to posting a "how to stalk me" post. Yeah, I have watched far too many crime shows. . . So I guess the truth is I'm just too private to do a Project 365. If any of you haven't heard of Project 365, check out the link I've attached to "Project 365" everywhere its typed out in this post. Its a really neat idea of a visual daily diary entry to catalog the things that make your daily life special and unique and the things that you'll want to remember but otherwise might not without the photo diary and it has inspired me to take more pictures. I'm just not comfortable enough to share them online. I'm not sure I ever would be comfortable enough, but especially being in the middle of a divorce. . . I'm just afraid my husband will try to use anything he can against me, so I'm just not giving him any ammunition if I can avoid it.

Pancake Recipe

I posted previously about "pancake success" and posted a link to the recipe there; however, I keep having to go back to that link to find the recipe, so I thought I'd go ahead and post the recipe here so I can find it more easily. This recipe is based upon the linked recipe I posted previously and has what I doctor it with included in it as well.

Pancake mix recipe
Dry Ingredients:
1 ½ cups sifted flour
2 ½ tsp. baking powder
¾ tsp. salt
1 tbsp sugar
Combine these 4 ingredients.

If you want to add chocolate chips or nuts, you can do it now as well.

Liquid Ingredients:
1 beaten egg
1 cup milk
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 tbsp vanilla
Beat all ingredients in a large bowl. Add the dry pancake mix and stir gently until moist.

If adding bananas, add them now.

Head a griddle or pan to medium high heat (375 on griddle)
Pour approx 1/4 cup batter for each pancake.
Cook until small bubbles form then flip and make sure each side is golden brown.

My Children Keep Me Healthy

My children keep me healthy. Yeah, you read that right. . . But I can see how that is confusing. I frequently hear people complaining about their kids bringing home every bug imaginable. And believe me, mine do that, too. Everything from lice to colds has made its way into my home, courtesy of my children.

So I bet you're wondering how my kids keep me healthy. . . I think it all boils down to the fact that they make me care about what I put in my body. You wouldn't put regular fuel into a diesel engine (well, not if you cared about that engine). And yet so many of us put the wrong fuel into our bodies without giving it a second thought -- and believe me, I have been guilty of that on many occasions. I have also been guilty of not eating enough in order to lose weight and struggled with eating disorders in high school. And honestly, if you were to remove the influence of my children from my life, at this point I am confident that I would live off of buffalo chicken dip, cereal and fries with the occasional salad when the mood struck. But because I care what goes into my children's bodies and because I want to be a good example for them, I pay attention to what goes into my body and I eat veggies and fruit and drink water and avoid HFCS, artificial colors and other additives and do my best to be healthy because my kids don't need a supermodel or a sumo wrestler for a mom. They need me to be healthy and happy and they need to be healthy and happy, too.

I read a quote once that said the best way to show your child the right path is to walk down it and that is how I try to live my life.

So a big thanks to my 4 beautiful girls who keep Mommy healthy. Its important.

No More Coasting. . .

I realized something yesterday. I am inherently lazy. Well, relatively speaking. I spend most days working from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep if you consider nursing working. But yesterday, I managed to get the house cleaner while watching my 4 kids and my 2 nieces with a headache than I get it when my sister and BIL are around to help and I feel fine. You would think having more adults around would result in getting more done and honestly, before yesterday I thought that it was having 7 kids around was what was holding me back from getting done all that needs to be done. Now, I think its me. I think when there are more adults around, I give myself permission not to do all that I can do. I allow myself not to do the best I can do. Instead, I coast along, doing less than I could otherwise do. I am limiting myself and ignoring my self-imposed limitations. Or, rather, I was. Now that I've acknowledged it, I am holding myself responsible for figuring out what to do to fix it. I don't want to be lazy. I don't want to coast along. I want to do my best because my kids and I deserve my best all the time. Not just when I'm the only adult around. So y'all are my witnesses. NO MORE COASTING for me.

The best darn buffalo chicken dip recipe EVER

I developed a taste for buffalo chicken dip when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, Evie. We went to a family friend's child's birthday party and her neighbor had brought buffalo chicken dip. I was hooked.

When I'm pregnant, I generally crave foods I've eaten before, so when I got pregnant with my 3rd daughter, Izzy, I craved buffalo chicken dip. But I didn't know how to make it.

I suffered through that pregnancy, craving buffalo chicken dip and when I got pregnant with my 4th daughter, Rory, it started all over again. But this time, my friend, Rebecca hooked me up with a crock pot buffalo chicken dip recipe that was pretty good. Not to be undone, my sister, Joanna, who is ALWAYS finding better recipes than mine (and I love her for it because then I can steal the better recipes LOL) started making buffalo chicken dip.

We moved in with her in February and I think I've eaten buffalo chicken dip 3-4 times a week since we moved in. So far, she has always made it. A couple days ago, I convinced her to tell me the recipe and today, I made it myself. While waiting for it to bake, I decided to type this up so I won't ever be able to lose it and so others can benefit from it. Here is the recipe. Use with caution. It is extremely addictive.

Buffalo Chicken Dip

Ingredients:
1 pkg boneless skinless chicken breast (about 3 breasts), cooked and shredded
about 6 ounces of shredded mild cheddar cheese
1 8 ounce package of cream cheese, softened
3 TBSP sour cream
3/8 cup hot sauce (Louisiana brand recommended or Frank's in a pinch, but NEVER use Tobasco. I love Tobasco sauce and its great in chili, but just doesn't work in this recipe. At ALL.)
1.5 tbsp Sriracha (oriental hot sauce)
tortilla chips

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Spray 9 x 9 pan with cooking spray.
3. Combine all ingredients except chips.
4. Put in pan.
5. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes.
6. Broil for 5 minutes.
7. Enjoy.
8. Repeat.

Its a vicious cycle. Its like that Lambchops song that never ends. Start the cycle at your own risk ;)

The hardest part so far. . .

The hardest part of being a single mom for me so far has been the single part.

I love being a mom. I enjoy time with my kids. Most of the time. And the frustrating times probably happen less often now than they did before my husband left.

The hardest part, as is true in almost every situation, is the change. Even while Joey was at basic training and AIT, my awareness was that I had someone on my side. I believed I had a partner, teammate, friend, confidante. I believed I had someone that loved me no matter what. Obviously, that was not true, but as far as I knew it was.

Changing what we believe isn't easy. Going at it alone isn't easy, but its not the being alone that is the hardest. Its the changing of my perspective. I am happy I have a truer perspective of reality now, but it is hard to change your perspective. Especially when its a change you never expected, never wanted and never saw coming. Its hard to have to abandon belief, no matter how faulty you determine that belief to have been.

I am not looking for any type of relationship right now. Love is an investment and all my capital right now is tied up in my kids. I like it that way. They are mine and I am theirs and we will love each other no matter what. There is great security for me in that. I do not want to invest in someone new right now. I am fairly certain that I am incapable of trusting anyone right now. But its still hard. Its hard to feel alone and lonely. Realistically, I have probably been alone for a while, just unaware of it. I am finding awareness to be a hard process.

Shepherd's Pie recipe

My sister made a shepherd's pie tonight that was amazing. Well, I think it was. I've never had Shepherd's Pie before, so don't have anything to compare it with, but you should try it. Really. Like, tomorrow.

She found the recipe here, but modified it by using 2 lbs ground turkey (no beef), veggie broth instead of beef broth (we don't really like beef much here), and flour in water to thicken it instead of cornstarch. Oh and I *think* she used butter in the mashed potatoes instead of EVOO. It made 2 (1 13 x 9 and 1 8 x 8) casserole dishes full, all the kids except Izzy asked for 2nds and when I get done here, I am going to go grab another bowlful from the 8 x 8 dish. It is YUMMY and an entire meal in 1 dish.

Crazy Day

Its been a crazy couple of weeks. Sickness, dealing with my husband not wanting to support his kids, headaches, still unpacking and today, KaeKae's birthday party. Its been a lot of long days, doing what needs to be done for the kids all day long and falling asleep on the couch exhausted every night.

Today, I realized the truth about what I've been living. Its motherhood. Good motherhood. I am a good mom. Being a good mom, to me, means sacrificially loving your kids. It means doing what they need when they need it (within reason, obviously you have to prioritize needs when you have more than one kid with needs and if you have more than one kid, you will have more than one kid with needs) and doing what you need when you have time. Sometimes, it means hoping I'll make it to the bathroom because I've just been so busy that I didn't realize I needed to use the bathroom until its almost too late. Its like being a toddler all over again and being so busy playing you don't think about peeing LOL. I've developed a newfound understanding for Izzy's accidents lately due to a couple close calls myself. Sometimes being a mom means making the right decision for your kids and not the one that feels good. It feels good to give our kids what they want when they want it, but its not always what is good for them. Sometimes we have to be the bad guy in a season of our kids' lives to show them the right way to travel. And most of all, being a good mom means being a good example. It means dressing, walking, eating, acting, doing and thinking in the manner we would like our kids to. Being a good mom is hard, especially if you look at it in the long run. Its a lot easier and more doable if you take it moment by moment. Most of all, I am trying to remember to enjoy every moment because now is the only moment I have and I can't even hold that one. As soon as its here, its gone and it will never come back.

Sorry for the rambling blog. Its been a long, tiring day. I'm off to go play outside with the kids to get them good and tired for bedtime. Happy mothering :)

What I wish I knew before I had my first child. . .

1. Doctors are NOT all knowing. You don't have to do everything they tell you to do. You should do your own research on everything and make the best informed decision you can. After all, you are Dr. Mom. There's no app for that.

2. When your child is 1 and wants to help, let her. Encourage her. It might take twice as long to do whatever you are doing with her "helping" NOW, but if you encourage that helpfulness, it won't be long before her helping will save you time. And that's a lot easier to get her to do if you encourage it starting when she's interested in doing it. Teaching her to do it right the first time and encouraging her desire to help will pay off big time. It is not fun to argue with a 6 year old about why she "always" has to help. Do yourself a favor and don't let it get to that point.

3. Time goes way too fast. Don't blink. Don't wish it away. Just enjoy it, whatever it is because there is a season for everything and when that season is over, you almost always miss it. Even if its a season of snuggling on the couch and giving breathing treatments while being barfed on. BTDT and missing my 6 year old being little enough to cuddle like that now that she's "too big" to want to cuddle.

4. Your mother was right. And she's still right. Listen to your mother every once in a while. It will save you a lot of heartache and time and pain. Remember, she's the Dr. Mom you learned from. She is the only app for that you've got.

5. Take care of you. Sleep when she sleeps because your first baby is the only one you can do that with, guilt-free. Every other child after that carries with him/her the potential to feel bad that you're neglecting the older ones when you nap with the younger ones, even if the older one(s) is (are) asleep. Take a shower, brush your teeth, make sure you eat right and sleep when you need it. If you don't take care of yourself and you get run down, who is going to take care of you and your baby? Besides, you want to be a good example for him/her and you're definitely going to want your kids to brush their teeth, bathe, eat properly and sleep when they need it.

6. Be a good example. Invariably, your child will copy everything you do or say that you don't want them to copy. Minimizing that saves you a lot of frustration in the long run even if its hard to do in the short run.

7. Cut yourself some slack. You are not perfect and can't hope to be. Do your best, do what you can do when you can do it, and then cut yourself some slack for your failings. Learn from them, do better next time, but don't beat yourself up over something that's done and can't be undone.

8. You can't keep everything. 2 years from now, you will look at that picture in the pile of nearly identical pictures that really amount to huge blobs of scribbles and wonder what it is and why you kept it. You will probably, at the same time, be keeping other drawings that are only slightly more recognizable that you will feel the same way about in another 2 years time. Its a vicious cycle. Keep 1-2 and toss the rest. You'll thank yourself for it later. Trust me.

9. Trust your instincts. You have them for a reason and that reason is not so you can ignore them.

10. Take a break every once in a while. Its hard, but important. When you take a break and come back refreshed, you will be a better mom. And you can get refreshed even if all you do is sit at Starbucks, drink tea and eat a muffin while thinking about your baby and missing her.

11. Everything around your baby will affect him/her. So get informed about everything so you can make informed decisions about what to feed them, what cleaning supplies to use around them, what lotions and soaps to use on them. Its all important. So learn what you can and do the best you can with the knowledge you obtain.

I may add to this from time to time as I think of more things I wish I knew then that it might benefit new moms to know now. Happy parenting :)

I am a broken record. . . play me again ;)

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

"Because I said so."

"Because its good for you."

"No."

"Not yet."

"Wait."

These are just a few of the things I say. Repeatedly. Every day. Repetition is boring. But its also a big part of motherhood.

I've heard it said that it takes 30 days to create a habit. And we are to train our children in the way they should go and when they are old they will not turn from it (Proverbs 22:6). We are to train our children, to create good habits that will benefit them when they are older, that will make them more successful, better able to deal with life, better people to share our world with. If it takes 30 days of being consistent to create a habit and on average 10 times a day repeating the same thing over and over again to get them to listen, then it would take on average 300 times saying the same thing consistently without "letting them slide this time" or "cutting them some slack" to create one good habit. Now, if your child is extra stubborn (I think I have 4 of those) or if you aren't consistent or if they have a random relapse and suddenly start doing the bad habit again after months of not doing it (think toilet training for example), you may have to say the same thing many more times than 300 to create a good habit.

Then we get into the fact that you probably want your child to have more than one good habit. What do you think that means? You got it. . . more repeating.

I have, on occasion, had to tell Addy the same thing 3 times within as many minutes, at which time I usually tell her she can ask me a million times in a million slightly different ways and the answer will remain the same. That usually buys me about 5 minutes. Repetition gets old fast. And it gets boring just as fast, maybe even faster. But I would rather be bored and say the same answer a million times and in doing so create a good habit (or stifle a bad one) that will be beneficial to my child in specific and the world in general than give up after the 300th time and hope it sinks in when she gets older. I love her that much.

So I am a broken record, Lord. Play me again and again. And let my child learn to do what is right and bless her all the days of her life. In Jesus' name I pray this over each of my beautiful, stubborn girls. Amen.

You do what you can do

All to often, I get derailed, thinking about what isn't being done by someone else, what someone else needs to do, what I need help with, what I can't do myself and I expect someone else to come along and do. I think Matthew 7:5 answers my derailment best "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

I am a hypocrite? Really? Yup. See, concentrating on what someone else should be doing is not what I should do. So why should I complain (even just in my head/heart) about someone else not doing what they should do when I am doing the same? I shouldn't. Sometimes I do it anyways. And that's human. And that's normal. And that's being a hypocrite. I am a hypocrite. And I don't want to be.

While I do believe God expects us to help others, I don't think he expects us to help others at the expense of us failing to do what we should be doing. He has a plan for all of us. A purpose for all of us. A reason that we are here and a task for us to complete. We all have different tasks and some of our tasks can only be done with others' help, but I'm learning more and more every day that there is always something we can do. Even if its just preparation -- doing what I can do to get ready for what I will need to do when someone else does what only they can do.

Bottom line is, I should never just sit and think about what someone else isn't doing. Letting myself get derailed by someone else will NEVER be my purpose. There is always something I can do, even if it doesn't seem as important as what I could do if someone else did something else. If the path is not clear to do what seems like the most important thing to do, then that's a pretty clear indication that, while that task may be essential, it is not the task at hand at that moment.

So today, I am focusing on the task at hand. There are tasks that have been done and they are done and gone. There are tasks that are to come and they will come when it is their time. All I can do anything about is the task at hand right now and I am determined to live purposefully and do what I can do when I can do it because this might be the only chance I have to do it.

Pancake Success!!!

After a 2 day absence (sorry about that, I was moving then tired from moving), I am happy to be back blogging and am double happy to report pancake success!!!

I found a pancake recipe here that I doctored so I would love it. I added a tablespoon of sugar to the dry ingredients and a tablespoon (splash LOL) of vanilla to the liquids. I let it sit for a minute, as I would do with my Aunt Jemima mix then poured slightly under 1/2 cup of batter on a preheated griddle (preheated to 350 degrees), let cook on one side and flipped once then let cook on the other side. DO NOT press down with the spatula or you will end up with flat pancakes instead of fluffy ones. This recipe made 1 pankcake with nothing in it for my nephew then split the batter into 2 bowls -- one for banana pancakes (made 6) and 1 for chocolate chip (also made 6), so total this recipe made 13 pancakes. It was a great success. And if you knew how long I've been addicted to Aunt Jemima and unable to find a pancake recipe that I could tolerate compared to my premade pancake love, you would know just how happy I am to have found this recipe! And if you look here , there are directions for how to premake this pancake mix. Its really easy and should cut down on morning breakfast making time. I will have to let you know how much time it cuts out when I get a chance to try premaking it.

Happy breakfasts to you until we meet again :)

Moving Toward Minimalism

Moving is not fun. It involves a lot of culling and organizing, figuring out what's really important and wondering why you have 20 drawings that look exactly the same while simultaneously looking like nothing recognizable. And if you've ever seen my parents' basement (or even if you've just ever met me LOL), you would probably conclude (as I have) that the likelihood of me having minimalistic genes (as opposed to hoarding genes) is not very high. Although, now I'm wondering if their basement looks the way it does just because they wanted to keep everything we ever touched and never moved so never had to consider whether it was really important, which I can totally sympathize with at this point.

Genetic predispositions aside, I have recently developed an appreciation for minimalism. Less stuff = less stuff to clean, keep organized, find a place for and keep in its place. Its a beautiful thing to aim for and I appreciate the opportunity to cut down on the clutter. And yet, somehow, that does not make this any easier.

Add a very cranky 3 month old who just wants to be held all the time, and 2 gorilla girls who just want to play with the boxes (even though you would think the 6 year old would have outgrown the box fascination by now) and a 2 year old who wants to nurse all the time and that just makes anything you're doing harder, especially if its something you don't want to do.

There are 2 lessons to take from this. The first is enjoy the time you're in (I read a great post about this lesson here today). Regardless of your circumstances, it could almost always be worse and even if it couldn't be, its the only time you have. The past is gone, the future isn't here yet and whatever you're doing will not last forever and the parts that will last the longest are the impact you will have on the lives of those around you, not how clean you get your house. That's a hard one to remember. One day you might even miss whatever you're wishing away now, even if you can't imagine ever missing it. The second is do it right the first time. Yes, it takes longer to do it right, but if you do it right, you won't have to do it over again. Which in the long run will take less time.

So I am sitting here with Rory, enjoying her little gummy smiles and little baby coos, waiting for her to go back to sleep so I can go back to packing.

Have you earned your hazmat certification today?

OK, so maybe cleaning poop out of the bathtub isn't considered by OSHA to be true hazmat clean up, but I think that's partially because being a mom isn't considered an "occupation". We aren't paid a wage that can be taxed by the government, so even though we deal with a variety of bodily fluids on a daily basis that might make a caregiver or even a nurse wrinkle their nose and even though we deal with every hazardous material that comes out of or is anywhere in the vicinity of our children, there are no hazmat classes out there to help us.

That's just fine. I mean, I don't really want the government imposing regulations regarding the proper way to fish poop out of the tub or the appropriate rag to use to soak up an improperly contained urination. We can deal with our hazardous materials all on our own. But I still think a little recognition would be nice -- some kind of certification, a medal, a ribbon, a piece of paper to hang on the wall saying that we are the official go to person for any hazardous or bodily materials that anyone in our household might come in contact with. Yes, we are the unofficial experts, but I think it would be nice to make it official. Not that it would make the messes any less frequent, but who knows? It just might change the attitude of the one mom clean up crew. . .

Of course, I may just be preoccupied with this because it is 11:30 am here, which means we have been up for maybe 2.5 hours, and already I have cleaned up no less than 3 pees, 1 bathtub poop, and a noseful of snot that needed constant maintenance. There have been tears, spit up, spit out, none of which were mine. Yet. And when I'm done cleaning up all that, I get to clean the bathroom -- again -- because there are 2 baths worth of water on the floor -- 1 pre-poop and 1 post-poop.

Oh, they joys of motherhood. . . So tell me, have you earned your hazmat certification today? How?

My favorite Psalm

People are forever quoting Psalm 23. It is said to be the universal psalm, can apply to any situation, can comfort you no matter what situation you are in or what you are needing at the time. In it, it promises that the Lord will provide for you (I shall not be in want), give you rest, relaxation, peace, He will restore your soul, guide you, rescue you from death, protect you, lead you, make you victorious, give to you abundantly until your cup runneth over. Its a great Psalm. But its not my favorite.

My favorite psalm right now is Psalms 127. It tells me to prioritize my time and make sure I am using it for the Lord's will because only the Lord's will will be done and any efforts made not according to his plan are futile. "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." I don't know about you, but I do not want to spend my time doing anything -- even if its what I think is right -- only to discover later on that I accomplished nothing. I do not want to do anything in vain. Which is not to say that I am boycotting any of the many, many repetitive actions that are part and parcel of the whole mom lifestyle (cleaning up the same mess over and over, changing diapers again, cleaning up after kids period, washing clothes and putting up toys, etc), but I am making every effort to learn more about God, to discover what his purpose is for me and to do my best in everything I do as if I were doing it just for Him.

I also see in this Psalm the importance of sleep (which, let's face it, most of us moms don't get enough of). "In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat -- for he grants sleep to those he loves." There are so many places in the Bible where God reminds us that he cares for us and will make sure we are taken care of, but its a nice reminder that the Lord cares that we get enough sleep, too. I read this Psalm before I go to bed at night and I meditate on this part. I thank him for loving me and ask him to grant me the sleep promised in this Psalm. My neighbor, Lisa, once told me that she asks God to allow her to sleep in his bosom at night and I meditate on this image before I go to sleep as well. Its an amazing image, sleeping in the Lord's bosom, cuddled up, protected under his arm, right next to his heart. That is the most peaceful image I can imagine and usually makes for a great night's sleep.

And then come the verses known by Quiverfull mamas everywhere "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate." I am a quiverfull mama. I choose not to use any type of birth control, believing and trusting that God will not give me more children than I can handle. I am grateful for my 4 beautiful daughters and enjoy every minute with them. I am saddened by the thought that Rory may be my last child and treasure every minute with each of my girls. I hold out hope that one day I will meet a good, Christian man, will marry and have more children, at which time I will still choose not to use any type of birth control and still choose to trust God not to give me more than I can handle in any aspect of my life.

Sorry this is so rambling, but its late and I am tired. I'm going to go sleep in the Lord's bosom now. Have a great night, everyone :)