Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I don't know who I am. There it is. The root of all my insecurity. When I got married, I was a baby. A bad-assed little 19 year old baby who was carrying a baby of her own, but a baby nonetheless when you consider how little I knew of myself and what I wanted out of life. 7 years later, I am still a baby. I guess that means my growth as an individual has been retarded.

To be honest, its mostly my fault because I chose to look to others for guidance on EVERYTHING. And when I made decisions, half the time I allowed my decisions to be changed by others. Research is time consuming and making up your mind is just too taxing with a million different options to choose from and its hard to stand up for your decisions when they aren't firmly made and others you respect and care for oppose them. Its far too easy to fall into the trap of "what if I make the wrong decision" and instead make no decision at all, or allow others to make your decisions so if something goes wrong you always have someone else to blame them on.

Well, that works fine when your married (minus the fact that you're setting your spouse up to be the one who always made the wrong decision), but it doesn't work nearly as well when you're a single parent. Doing 2 people's jobs and not getting paid for either, but being responsible for all. Its hard. Its time consuming. Its daunting. AND ITS WORTH IT.

I know I talk about being intentional a lot. Mostly, I am talking to me because its easy for me to fall into unintentionally doing stuff and I feel that that is wrong. That is something wrong I have been doing for a long time. And I am trying to break that habit. I don't think life is meant to be easy. I don't think its really the easy way out either. I think in the long run, we will be held responsible for all our decisions, whether intentional or passive. You can totally glide through life. I have done it. But the mainstream does not take me anywhere I want myself or my children to be and I've decided going against the tide is worth the work I have to put into it.

I am slowly but surely learning more about myself and my capabilities, more about what I want out of life, and more about God and I am going to continue down that path, walking intentionally every step of the way and remembering that I have 4 little girls shadowing my every move. Its a hard job, but somebody's gotta do it and I'm really glad that God decided that somebody got to be me.

No comments:

Post a Comment