PSA

I had a lot of time to think on the drive to OK and on the drive back. Much more than I would have if I hadn't driven all but 4 hours of it. Not that thinking is a bad thing, but thinking while I was driving somewhere I had been to before to be with Joey, which also happened to be the place where he met the woman he left us for. . . It made for too many thoughts about him. And her.

People can think up some crazy things when they have been hurt. Like wounded lions, we can all give in to our baser instincts and lash out when we are hurting. The important thing is not to give in to our crazy thoughs. At least, not while they are still crazy and pain-laced.

Most of my thoughs centered around a vengeful plot to post ads in OK and TX craigslist personals, including their pictures. . . His and hers PSAs to warn people in the surrounding areas of the type of people they are. Something to the effect of "don't trust him, he is a narcissistic sociopath who will charm the pants off of you as long as it suits him, but has no actual loyalty to anyone but himself and will only keep you around as long as you serve his purposes and then he will leave and never look back." Looking back, that's not really a PSA. Hers. . . Something to the effect of "warning, this woman is a chronic slut who trolls bars around military bases (typically Fort Sill), looking for soldiers who are about to receive large bonuses and using her sexual prowess to trap said unsuspecting idiots for as long as it takes to drain them of their bonus and then moves on to the next unsuspecting idiot. She has no regard for marital status (hers or theirs), only for an anticipated pay day." But maybe that's just me being petty. After spending hours fantasizing about posting these PSAs to every craigslist in TX and OK, I decided maybe that's not the best course to take, but I did still want to post a PSA, so here goes:

Women, there are men out there who will say what they think you want to hear to "get" you and then after a while they will not be able to follow through because it was all a lie, at which point, they will cut their losses and run for the hills. This is why long courtships (without the complication of sex) are good. It takes time to see the true character of some people and when determining whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, its good to take your time. Your life is a long time. Don't waste it on the wrong guy.

Men, there are women out there who are technically not hookers, who will sleep with you in order to convince you to spend money on them. They may even get pregnant in order to trap you. They probably won't care if you are married or not, but even if you are and they know that you are from the beginning, they will probably still expect you to marry them when they get pregnant. Once you have no more money to give or life gets sufficiently hard, they will find someone else to leech money from and they will move on. They are loyal to money, not to you. I know indiscriminant sex seems fun and harmless, but sin often seems fun for a season and afterwards produces pain and consequences.

Everyone, look at the people you are considering spending time with. None of us know how long we will have on Earth and none of us can extend that time beyond what God has determined we will have. Look at the people you are spending your time with. Look at them carefully and determine what kind of person they are and if they are the right kind of person to spend time with, much less your life with. Do not tell yourself that the way they have acted in the past is different from how they will act with you "because they love you." People are creatures of habit. They may act like the person you want them to be fore a while, but eventually they will revert back to reality and you will see their true colors. Wait it out. Be sure before you consumate your relationship. Otherwise, you might end up pregnant with your 4th child, abandoned by the person you thought would stick around forever "because they love you." Its not a fun place to be.

Beware of the people you let into your inner circle. Make sure they belong there before you let them have free reign there. Guard your heart. A broken heart is a nasty wound to try to heal from. Especially if you have an ever-present audience of children to remain strong for.

I hope this PSA helps someone since it wasn't that easy for me to write, even after 40ish hours in the car and countless hours afterwards spent contemplating it.

Wait, there's life after divorce? Weird. . .

This has been a very confusing time in my life, a time where I feel as if I am being sifted and measured. . . and typically found lacking. I've spent the past year worrying and stressing and strategizing and trying to figure out how to get here and now that I'm here, I'm not really sure what to do with myself or where to go from here.

Its a relief to no longer worry about and dread the divorce, but at the same time there is a feeling that all that time I spent worrying was a total waste. Why did I worry instead of spending that time figuring out what to do next? Did I think time would stop once I got here, that I'd be given time to think it over before time would continue? Well, it didn't. Now that I'm here, I have to figure out where to go from here and I'm not really sure how to start that process because -- well, I never really thought that I would ever be here. I guess you could say I am totally out of my element.

Time marches on, that's for sure. One thing that I have come to know (even if I haven't learned to utilize it) is that time is the one thing you must pay for everything you do. Everything takes time. And you can't undo or reverse it. You can't get a refund or a do over. Does that mean I have learned time management skills? Heck no. But it does mean that I would like to. Like yesterday ;) Sadly, though, I have also found that if you don't know what you want to do with yourself and your life, you have no destination to aim for and no measuring standard to use to determine what progress you have made toward your goal. Because you have no goal. And "getting through this" is not a goal. Its a coping mechanism. A way to encourage yourself, to tell yourself you will make it past here one day because you're "getting through this" one step at a time. As coping mechanisms go, its great, but as long-distance planning goes, it kinda sucks.

In 4 days, it will be the 1 year anniversary of the day when my life officially changed courses. When I went from a "happily married", stay at home mom, on track and expecting to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved, watching our kids and grandkids grow to being a derailed single mom of 4 -- a displaced homemaker, constantly wondering. Wondering if I'm doing enough to compensate for the fact that their dad left. Wondering if I'm being a good mom and a good dad all at the same time. Wondering how I'm ever going to support my kids when I can't even get a job that would cover the cost of daycare, much less have anything left over to use to support my kids. Wondering what I'm going to do with my life. Obviously I'll always be a mom, but now I have to be more and I have no idea what that more needs to be. Or where to find the time to be it. Or the time to become it. Or how to transform into it.

I'm floundering a little, but I'm still treading water and we'll make it. God is for me, so who can ever stop me? God is with me so what can stand against me?

I'm not really worried about the future anymore. I've seen how God has led me through this divorce to a place where I never intended to be. I've seen how He has taken care of me and walked with me. I've felt His support and love and protection all around me every step of the way. And I am excited to see where we will go next and how we will get there. At this point, I only wished I hadn't spent so much time worrying about what I've already gone through and had spent more time thinking about where to go from here. Or figuring out who I am and what I'm interested in. Its pretty sad (and a little scary) to wake up and realize that you're a 27 year old mother of 4 who doesn't know what she wants to do when she grows up. . . its sad, but I'll get over it and get through it. And I hope that happens sooner rather than later.

What the Bible has to say about divorce

Well, first of all the Bible says that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), but allows for divorce for "just cause" which specifically includes adultery (Matthew 5:32) and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15) and God's mercy allows for the innocent party (the party that did NOT commit adultery or abandon their spouse) to remarry; however, they are not permitted to remarry their spouse (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). God takes relationships seriously. They are not revolving doors. Marriage is intended to be permanent and so is divorce.

I admit, I have said aloud a couple times that I am going to divorce Joey no matter what at this point, but we could always get back together and get remarried later if he were to get saved and repent of his adultery and abandoment, along with many, many other "ifs". I said this, never expecting that any of my "requirements" for a restored relationship will ever be met and to date they have not, but I will not be saying that any longer. Now that I know remarriage is against the Bible, it is no longer discussable even in theoretical terms. I am not in any way having 2nd thoughts regarding going through with this divorce; however, I wonder if he is keeping me in the back of his mind as a "backup plan" in case his life does not go as he hopes it will. I am NOT a backup plan.

God compares infidelity in marriage to idolatry (infidelity in your relationship with God) and describes marriage as 2 fleshes becoming 1, which means divorce is when 1 flesh is ripped in 2. No wonder it causes so much pain.

I know I am spending a lot of time blogging about divorce lately, but I suppose that is only natural. I blog what I know and what I'm learning about and right now, I am getting a crash course in divorce. Its not something I ever wanted to learn about or was ever curious about before, but I hope my going through this and learning more about divorce will help someone else. And that is why I blog it.

Me and my "D"

Divorce.

Its a bad word. A bad thought. And a necessary evil in a time when people, for whatever reason, think they are entitled to have and do whatever they want whenever they want, regardless of how it affects others.

Want a new watch, but don't have the money for it? Charge it on a credit card. Who cares about your credit. . . After all, the economy's shot anyways. What's the point in having good credit in a country that has bad credit? Think that girl in the bar is hot, but you're married? Go after her anyways. Who cares if your marriage ends in divorce. . . After all 50% of the population's doing it.

Sin is a tempting, slippery slope that drags you down and while you fall, everyone connected to you is either drug down with you or muddied in the process of fighting to break free from you so as not to be drug down with you. But those who are bound and determined to do and have what they want when they want without any regard to how their actions and the repercussions of their actions affect others probably don't care if you get a little muddy in the process.

How do we get in this position? Well, its very simple and very complex, all at the same time.

First of all, good people do bad things. There is a 50% rate of divorce among Americans these days and there is a 50% rate of divorce among Americans who consider themselves to be Christians as well. Sin is tempting. It happens. Especially if you don't guard yourself and your marriage against it.

Secondly, people don't take as long to get to know the the person they are marrying these days. "Way back when" people would date a bunch of different people to figure out what they wanted in a mate, then date one person exclusively for years then get engaged and stay engaged for years and then get married. They also stayed celibate in the process. So they had lots of time to examine their potential partner for inconsistencies, incompatibilities, and fatal flaws with none of the sex induced emotions clouding their judgement. And its no surprise if someone can wait years to have sex with you that they can later abstain from having sex with anyone BUT you.

Third, we have the unequally yoked issue. Yes, I know, I just said that Christians are just as likely as non-Christians to get divorced. I'm not sure about the statistics of cheating, but I would like to think that if you believe it to be against your religion [Exodus 20:14 (the 7th of the 10 commandments) "You shall not commit adultery."], you're probably less likely to do it than someone who does not think its against their religion. Also, I would like to think that 2 people who have the same beliefs are going to be more compatible than 2 people that have completely different beliefs. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I'd like to think.

And fourth, we all need to grow up and if we are grown up, we need to make sure we marry a grown up. We can't always have what we want when we want it. Some of our parents didn't teach us that and as a result, we don't discipline ourselves or delay our own gratification. We just give in to temptation because we want it and if we don't get it, we'll have to throw a fit and we don't look cool going floppy fish in our 20s, so we might as well just have what we want. Because we can. I know, if you've never been told "no" in your life, its hard to tell yourself "no", but remember 1 Corinthians 10:23 -- "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Do what is good for you, what is beneficial and constructive FOR YOU. And in this case, it will be beneficial for everyone around you. No one benefits from adultery, broken homes, or broken marriages. Just ask the guy who cheated on me and will be paying child support for his 4 kids for the next 18+ years. I think he'd agree at this point that it wasn't beneficial to him. And if he doesn't now, give him a few years to grow up and I'm sure he'll agree then.

Divorce is ever on my mind these days. I don't want to be divorced. I don't "believe in" divorce. But I'm going to be divorced and right now, I feel like I have a big D on my chest, like I'm trying a D shirt on for size and I hate it. I feel like my every thought is clouded by divorce colored glasses. And I hate it. I know its what's right in my current situation. I know you can't fix a marriage by yourself. I know that adultery is an acceptable reason according to my Bible for divorce as is abandonment. I know God has a plan for my life and me going through this is part of His plan. I will walk through this valley if He wants me to and I will come out of this valley one day. And I know He will be with me every step of the way. And I am so thankful for that.

I know I'm usually much more positive than this, but man I just had to get that D off my chest for a minute and express my thoughts and feelings on divorce. Here's to hoping someone out there is helped by this.