The hardest part so far. . .

The hardest part of being a single mom for me so far has been the single part.

I love being a mom. I enjoy time with my kids. Most of the time. And the frustrating times probably happen less often now than they did before my husband left.

The hardest part, as is true in almost every situation, is the change. Even while Joey was at basic training and AIT, my awareness was that I had someone on my side. I believed I had a partner, teammate, friend, confidante. I believed I had someone that loved me no matter what. Obviously, that was not true, but as far as I knew it was.

Changing what we believe isn't easy. Going at it alone isn't easy, but its not the being alone that is the hardest. Its the changing of my perspective. I am happy I have a truer perspective of reality now, but it is hard to change your perspective. Especially when its a change you never expected, never wanted and never saw coming. Its hard to have to abandon belief, no matter how faulty you determine that belief to have been.

I am not looking for any type of relationship right now. Love is an investment and all my capital right now is tied up in my kids. I like it that way. They are mine and I am theirs and we will love each other no matter what. There is great security for me in that. I do not want to invest in someone new right now. I am fairly certain that I am incapable of trusting anyone right now. But its still hard. Its hard to feel alone and lonely. Realistically, I have probably been alone for a while, just unaware of it. I am finding awareness to be a hard process.