There was a time when I thought I would be able to blog every day. I mean, every time I posted "I'm really gonna do it this time", I really thought I was going to do it. But the truth is, I think I was just suffering from temporary insanity and temporarily forgot that I have 4 kids, very little sleep, negligible energy and little if any time left at the end of the day. As a result, I find myself ruminating over what to post for days, sometimes weeks before I ever get around to posting it. I guess that probably makes for better reading and I've come to realize that that's all I can do at this point in time.

These days, I am concentrating. On everything. My kids, my attitude, their attitude, the influences I allow in our lives, doing the best I can in all that I do, doing everything I do for the Lord and trying to inspire my kids to do the same.

I'm struggling these days, but I continue to press on because God didn't build me to be a quitter and I thank Him for that. I have been watching Courageous and Facing the Giants lately, not because they have the same guy in both, but because they both have important lessons that I need to learn from.

I watched Courageous for the first time last week. It made me cry. And if you know me, you know that it takes a lot to make me cry. I wept like a baby while I was nursing Rory and it took me 10 minutes to get it under control. I was so broken because my bad judgement is what got us here. I chose my ex. No one forced him on me. I could have run screaming for the hills, but I didn't. I should have, but I'm glad I didn't because I love my kids. To me, they are proof that good fruit CAN come from a dying tree. Our marriage may have ended, but no matter what happened and what happens, I praise God for the beautiful, wonderful children he blessed me with. But I am broken because, after watching Courageous, I cannot deny that fathers are important and my kids might as well not have one. Which makes them more likely to suffer and to cause suffering to others in the long run. I pray to God that my children being fatherless is a blessing in disguise, as I often say. And not just a burden that will cause them to be less than they would have been if he had stuck around.

I pray that God will use these trials to make my kids stronger, to enable them to better serve Him, and to help them to make wise decisions in their lives -- regarding marital and non-marital decisions. I pray that they will realize that their decisions will affect others and that they will make their decisions -- big and small -- accordingly.

I pray that God will raise up a courageous man who will be a good father figure to my children when they need a father.

Which brings me to the lesson from Facing the Giants. There is a story they tell in the movie about 2 farmers who prayed for rain -- 1 who got his field ready for rain and 1 that did not. I pray that God will help me get ready for the blessings I pray for. I don't really know how to get ready besides by reading my Bible and continuing to forgive my ex and work through my issues and try to better myself, all while keeping in mind the type of person I am looking for so that I do not use my bad judgement any longer, that I do not allow myself to make another bad choice that will adversely affect my children. God, help me to do my best and to be a courageous woman for you while I am waiting for you to raise up a godly, courageous head for my household. Amen.