What can we say about gifts? Plenty. Especially following the biggest giving season of the year. Whether you got what you wanted, got what you hated or got nothing at all, chances are you have something to say about gifts. Well, here's my say. . .
First, let's discuss the purpose of gifts. In my opinion, there are several purposes, but any gift given without ulterior motives attached should be given for the purpose of bringing someone else joy. Keeping this in mind, gifts should be given to help make the receiver's life easier, provide them with something they need that they otherwise would not have, make them feel special.
Somewhere along the way, people started predetemining gifts, prescribing what gifts should be given when and which gifts were taboo, but I think the best gifts are those that show you that the other person knows you, knows your life, appreciates you and cares about you. The best gifts are gifts that will be used or cherished or both. This seems like a tall order to fill, but really, it isn't. People will tell you what they want or need if you care enough to listen and pay attention.
For example, I told my ex repeatedly that I did not particularly like or use jewelry and that if he was determined to get it for me, I really preferred silver and yet at nearly every gift giving occasion, I received jewelry and it was typically gold. It was nice that he remembered the occasion, but it always hurt that he never seemed to take my preferences into consideration when choosing gifts for me. And with small children who had broken jewelry in the past, it really only got used after he left when I sold it to support my kids. On the other hand, I received the gift of a mug last Christmas that I used daily until its mysterious disappearance which I noticed and mourned. This year, I received a mug from my daughter which I love twice as much because it was from her and because it filled that need that she had listened to me talk about and cared enough to remember.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Sometimes it really sucks to be a single parent. There's a learning process you have to go through to change from married parenting style to single parenting style and I don't think I've completed that yet. I still find myself trying to play good cop, bad cop and when you're the only cop, you just end up looking like a wishy washy idiot that can't make up your mind and boy do kids know how to capitalize on people who can't make up their minds. They figure if you can't make it up on your own, then maybe they can make it up for you. And if they succeed even once, they will keep it up until you grow a pair and learn how to make up your own mind before you talk to them or until they get their way every time.
It can be an uncomfortable process for all involved and it takes a lot longer to establish your authority once you've shown an inability to make up your own mind and stick with it, but it's worth it. Households ruled by children with usurped authority function much less happily and harmoniously than households ruled by parents using their God given authority. It's had work to weed out the undesirable behaviors and teach your children right from wrong and it's never ending work, just like washing clothes and doing dishes, but just like with chores, if you teach your children to do it the right way, you can the trust them to take over and do it themselves.
But how do we teach our children right from wrong? How do we "make" them obey? The truth is, we can't. We can teach them right from wrong, but we can't make them learn it and we certainly can't force them to do it. Children are not marionettes. They do not have strings that, when pulled, produce results that can be predicted. Sometimes it seems like whenever I figure out something that works with my kids, I changes. They are like kaleidscopes only without the predictable patterns. It's confusing and frustrating and sometimes completely unfathomable to try to parent them because sometimes they make no sense whatsoever. It's easy to get frustrated and forget that sometimes we don't make sense to ourselves and we are adults and we can see inside our own heads. If we can't understand ourselves 100% of the time, then how on God's green earth can we ever expect to understand anyone else 100% of the time, especially someone else that is less developed and has had less time to figure out what they think and want and need.
It's a confusing and frustrating endeavor, being a parent. Not one that should be taken lightly or without thought and consideration and time spent in prayer. Not for the faint of heart or the impatient. Nor the faint of will.
I bet you think this is the part of the blog where I tell you the magic cure to save you time and effort and keep you from getting frustrated, but honestly I am still figuring it out myself and from what I've determined so far, there is no universal rule or shortcut. The most important thing is to love your child(ren) and act accordingly. Teach and lead them out of love. If you are angry or frustrated, take a step back, take a break and wait until you are no longer feeling angry or frustrated and then correct them out of love. Unless they are under 3. If they are under 3, scream into a pillow and correct them right away because if you wait they will have forgotten what they are being corrected for, which makes the correction pointless.
Take the time to get to know your kids, your self and thoughtfully and prayerfully consider every circumstance in consideration of the end goal, which in my case is raising children who will love God and desire to obey Him out of love.
In case you haven't guessed, this is another of my goals for this new year. To parent purposefully.
It can be an uncomfortable process for all involved and it takes a lot longer to establish your authority once you've shown an inability to make up your own mind and stick with it, but it's worth it. Households ruled by children with usurped authority function much less happily and harmoniously than households ruled by parents using their God given authority. It's had work to weed out the undesirable behaviors and teach your children right from wrong and it's never ending work, just like washing clothes and doing dishes, but just like with chores, if you teach your children to do it the right way, you can the trust them to take over and do it themselves.
But how do we teach our children right from wrong? How do we "make" them obey? The truth is, we can't. We can teach them right from wrong, but we can't make them learn it and we certainly can't force them to do it. Children are not marionettes. They do not have strings that, when pulled, produce results that can be predicted. Sometimes it seems like whenever I figure out something that works with my kids, I changes. They are like kaleidscopes only without the predictable patterns. It's confusing and frustrating and sometimes completely unfathomable to try to parent them because sometimes they make no sense whatsoever. It's easy to get frustrated and forget that sometimes we don't make sense to ourselves and we are adults and we can see inside our own heads. If we can't understand ourselves 100% of the time, then how on God's green earth can we ever expect to understand anyone else 100% of the time, especially someone else that is less developed and has had less time to figure out what they think and want and need.
It's a confusing and frustrating endeavor, being a parent. Not one that should be taken lightly or without thought and consideration and time spent in prayer. Not for the faint of heart or the impatient. Nor the faint of will.
I bet you think this is the part of the blog where I tell you the magic cure to save you time and effort and keep you from getting frustrated, but honestly I am still figuring it out myself and from what I've determined so far, there is no universal rule or shortcut. The most important thing is to love your child(ren) and act accordingly. Teach and lead them out of love. If you are angry or frustrated, take a step back, take a break and wait until you are no longer feeling angry or frustrated and then correct them out of love. Unless they are under 3. If they are under 3, scream into a pillow and correct them right away because if you wait they will have forgotten what they are being corrected for, which makes the correction pointless.
Take the time to get to know your kids, your self and thoughtfully and prayerfully consider every circumstance in consideration of the end goal, which in my case is raising children who will love God and desire to obey Him out of love.
In case you haven't guessed, this is another of my goals for this new year. To parent purposefully.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Why is it that watching someone else do something makes me want to do it? It is pathetic how suggestible people can be. And sometimes laughable. For example, while watching Julie and Julia, I was inspired to blog. Which I already do. See? Laughable.
Envy is such a silly thing. It starts off benignly and then takes over. It starts with the idea that someone else has it better than you. You see greener grass and assume that the entirety of their existence is better. The grass is greener because their everything is better, not because horses are constantly fertilizing it. We make such assumptions on such a regular basis that they become snap judgements that are automatically credible. Such is the pattern of life for many of us.
Once the thought has taken root, it is like a weed. If not pulled up and destroyed, it takes root, digs down and makes itself at home in your mind, popping up whenever it can. And then it takes over.
Well, that's all good and well. We all know how envy works. Now how do we get rid of it? Well, we can start by voicing our assumptions. It might go something like this:
You: "My what beautiful grass you have."
Neighbor: "Why thank you. Your yard smells wonderful."
You: "Doesn't your yard smell wonderful?"
Neighbor: "Heavens no. It smells like the horse manure that made it so green."
And then suddenly you no longer desire the greener grass because you learned about all the crap you would have to deal with to get grass that green.
Or we could skip a couple steps and fight the compulsion to assume that just because someone else's life has one aspect that appears better than ours, that their entire life is better and work with what we have been given rather than waste our time wishing we could work with what others have been given. Because we really have no idea what someone else is really working with unless we ask. And listen to the answer.
I thereby declare envy a ginormous waste of time and vow to do my best to stop letting it invade my thoughts, heart and life. There is one of my New Year's resolutions. Happy New Year!
Envy is such a silly thing. It starts off benignly and then takes over. It starts with the idea that someone else has it better than you. You see greener grass and assume that the entirety of their existence is better. The grass is greener because their everything is better, not because horses are constantly fertilizing it. We make such assumptions on such a regular basis that they become snap judgements that are automatically credible. Such is the pattern of life for many of us.
Once the thought has taken root, it is like a weed. If not pulled up and destroyed, it takes root, digs down and makes itself at home in your mind, popping up whenever it can. And then it takes over.
Well, that's all good and well. We all know how envy works. Now how do we get rid of it? Well, we can start by voicing our assumptions. It might go something like this:
You: "My what beautiful grass you have."
Neighbor: "Why thank you. Your yard smells wonderful."
You: "Doesn't your yard smell wonderful?"
Neighbor: "Heavens no. It smells like the horse manure that made it so green."
And then suddenly you no longer desire the greener grass because you learned about all the crap you would have to deal with to get grass that green.
Or we could skip a couple steps and fight the compulsion to assume that just because someone else's life has one aspect that appears better than ours, that their entire life is better and work with what we have been given rather than waste our time wishing we could work with what others have been given. Because we really have no idea what someone else is really working with unless we ask. And listen to the answer.
I thereby declare envy a ginormous waste of time and vow to do my best to stop letting it invade my thoughts, heart and life. There is one of my New Year's resolutions. Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
The truth about boobs and other things
In case I haven't done it before, I am about to reveal myself to be a universallist. Now, I am not entirely sure that is a real word because my lovely iPhone wishes to change it into "universal list" so I should probably explain that term. I believe right is right and wrong is wrong, lovely is lovely and ugly is ugly, black is black and white is white and shades of grey are just our attempts to justify doing what we know we really shouldn't be doing anyways.
But what does this have to do with boobs, you might ask. Well, it strikes me as quite hypocritical that boobs are considered lovely when shoved in a way too small bikini, but stick a nipple in a baby's mouth and boobs can make you not only lose your appetite -- those nasty knockers are apparently gross enough to make you lose your desire to continue grocery shopping. So I guess seeing a baby eat is powerfully gross enough to make you never want to eat again. That sounds pretty weird to me, so if you are as confused as I am, you'll have to ask eligible race car driving bachelor Kasey Kayne to explain the logic behind it.
I wonder if anyone bothered to ask Mr. Kayne his opinion on boobs in bikinis or topless beaches. Or topless bars for that matter. I bet it doesn't jive with his opinion of them while breastfeeding.
The funny thing is, while God does intend a woman's body to be pleasing to the eye, I'm fairly certain that their practical purpose was to nourish babies. I guess that shows us how backwards this world is -- that boobs are prized for their aesthetical properties while being vilified for fulfilling their intended function.
But what does this have to do with boobs, you might ask. Well, it strikes me as quite hypocritical that boobs are considered lovely when shoved in a way too small bikini, but stick a nipple in a baby's mouth and boobs can make you not only lose your appetite -- those nasty knockers are apparently gross enough to make you lose your desire to continue grocery shopping. So I guess seeing a baby eat is powerfully gross enough to make you never want to eat again. That sounds pretty weird to me, so if you are as confused as I am, you'll have to ask eligible race car driving bachelor Kasey Kayne to explain the logic behind it.
I wonder if anyone bothered to ask Mr. Kayne his opinion on boobs in bikinis or topless beaches. Or topless bars for that matter. I bet it doesn't jive with his opinion of them while breastfeeding.
The funny thing is, while God does intend a woman's body to be pleasing to the eye, I'm fairly certain that their practical purpose was to nourish babies. I guess that shows us how backwards this world is -- that boobs are prized for their aesthetical properties while being vilified for fulfilling their intended function.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Muffins
Why is it that when you're looking for a recipe, that's the one that is stuck to another page in your cook book? Probably because you spilled something on that page the last time. . .
Well, to make sure that doesn't happen again, here is my muffin recipe. . .
Ingredients:
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil (I prefer safflower oil with vitamin E in it)
1 large egg
1 tbsp vanilla
1 cup blueberries
2 cups all purpose flour (I prefer King Arthur's brand)
1/2 cup plus 2 heaping tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder (I prefer aluminum free)
1/2 tsp salt
cinnamon if desired
Preheat oven to 400 and spray bottom of muffin cups or line with muffin papers.
mix first 4 ingredients with a whisk, add blueberries
sift last 5 ingredients together
add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, stir just until moist (will be lumpy)
fill muffin cups about 2/3 full
bake 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. if in muffin papers, remove immediately. If not, let stand for 5 minutes then remove from pan.
Well, to make sure that doesn't happen again, here is my muffin recipe. . .
Ingredients:
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil (I prefer safflower oil with vitamin E in it)
1 large egg
1 tbsp vanilla
1 cup blueberries
2 cups all purpose flour (I prefer King Arthur's brand)
1/2 cup plus 2 heaping tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder (I prefer aluminum free)
1/2 tsp salt
cinnamon if desired
Preheat oven to 400 and spray bottom of muffin cups or line with muffin papers.
mix first 4 ingredients with a whisk, add blueberries
sift last 5 ingredients together
add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, stir just until moist (will be lumpy)
fill muffin cups about 2/3 full
bake 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. if in muffin papers, remove immediately. If not, let stand for 5 minutes then remove from pan.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I don't post pictures of my kids on this blog because I don't want to. I love my kids. I'm very proud of my kids. I think they are adorable and fantastic and wonderful. I sometimes post pictures of my kids on FB, but I don't do it very often for several reasons:
1. I'm pretty sure I don't have any pedophiles on my friend list, but you never know and the idea of anyone getting aroused while looking at pics of my kids is really gross.
2. I'm selfish and I like to keep the cuteness to myself. I know I should share my kids more, but I tend to think if anyone *really* wants to see them, they can see them in real life and take their own pictures to remember the occasion by. And that includes their father. Yes its a bit petty, but I am not going to provide anyone who has not seen my kids in over a year by their own choice with photos to brag about them with. If you want to play daddy of the year, start off by visiting your kids at least 1 time in that year.
3. I'm not really that great of a photographer and don't want to post examples of my shoddy work.
4. There is usually stuff cluttering up my pictures. I do my best to keep our house clean, but with 7 kids and 3 adults running around, stuff gets on the floor, on the couch, on the table. . . everywhere. Rapidly. Without ceasing. Until everyone is asleep. At which time, pictures are no longer being taken. I do my best, but if I were to post pictures online for the world to see, I would want to screen out the pictures that show clutter/messes, which wouldn't leave that many pictures to post. And that would add stress to my life that I just don't want to deal with. It would be a small amount of stress, but stress has a tendency to accumulate quickly in my experience.
I am probably not going to post pictures of my kids in this blog. Ever. Because it is a public blog and anyone can see pictures of them in it and I don't feel comfortable posting pics of my kids that anyone can see. I want my blog to be open and genuine and engaging and I feel like I can accomplish this in my posts through my words. I am not willing to post pictures of every aspect of my life because that's just not me.
1. I'm pretty sure I don't have any pedophiles on my friend list, but you never know and the idea of anyone getting aroused while looking at pics of my kids is really gross.
2. I'm selfish and I like to keep the cuteness to myself. I know I should share my kids more, but I tend to think if anyone *really* wants to see them, they can see them in real life and take their own pictures to remember the occasion by. And that includes their father. Yes its a bit petty, but I am not going to provide anyone who has not seen my kids in over a year by their own choice with photos to brag about them with. If you want to play daddy of the year, start off by visiting your kids at least 1 time in that year.
3. I'm not really that great of a photographer and don't want to post examples of my shoddy work.
4. There is usually stuff cluttering up my pictures. I do my best to keep our house clean, but with 7 kids and 3 adults running around, stuff gets on the floor, on the couch, on the table. . . everywhere. Rapidly. Without ceasing. Until everyone is asleep. At which time, pictures are no longer being taken. I do my best, but if I were to post pictures online for the world to see, I would want to screen out the pictures that show clutter/messes, which wouldn't leave that many pictures to post. And that would add stress to my life that I just don't want to deal with. It would be a small amount of stress, but stress has a tendency to accumulate quickly in my experience.
I am probably not going to post pictures of my kids in this blog. Ever. Because it is a public blog and anyone can see pictures of them in it and I don't feel comfortable posting pics of my kids that anyone can see. I want my blog to be open and genuine and engaging and I feel like I can accomplish this in my posts through my words. I am not willing to post pictures of every aspect of my life because that's just not me.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Inspiring?
I read a great new blog the other day and thought "Wow, I wish I could write like that." And be open and engaging and genuine. And then, I realized I can be. . .
Well, I can try, at least.
I always wanted this blog to be a place where I could be me and share parenting tips and be genuine. And then my husband left and I felt like I had to censor every word that I typed, just in case he happened upon this blog and wanted to use it against me in court. Then I got out of the habit of posting because the idea of filtering what I posted was distasteful to me. Well, I'm divorced now and my ex has no desire to have anything to do with our kids, so I think I'm safe to be me, uncensored. Especially since me, uncensored would mostly be G or PG-13 rated anyways. . . Not sure what I thought I was censoring, anyways. Sigh.
I am trying to be a better mom. Which isn't to say I'm a bad mom, just that I think I could do better and I'm trying. And while I'm in the midst of thinking I can do better, people who admire me annoy me, mostly because I'm annoyed with myself because I think I can do better. Its a vicious cycle of annoyance that I wish I could get away from. And getting away from that vicious cycle is one of the ways I think I can do better. Which, I think, is annoying. And the start of another vicious cycle.
I am human. Limited. Finite. At the same time, I have unlimited possibilities and infinite potential. So do I do what I can and leave the rest to God (or whomever he appoints to do the leftover tasks) or do I over-extend myself and reach for the possibilities? I'm leaning towards the former due to my current sleep deficit. But I don't want to get in the habit of just doing what I can and never trying to stretch and do more because I know how hard habits can be to break. And it annoys me.
Today, my girls and I got our hair cut during Love Loud at our church. We went to the same salon our pastor gets his hair cut at and they were incredibly sweet and gracious and they did a fantastic job. And somewhere during that time, I spoke to the hair stylist about the past year of my life and she told me I was an inspiration and that just made me sad. From my perspective, all I have done this past year is take care of my kids while their father chose not to. I don't see that as being inspiring. I see that as a parent doing what a parent should do. And it saddens me to think that I live in a world where a parent acting like a parent is inspiring. It was nice of her to say. I'm sure she was trying to be encouraging, but it was a little depressing. Which is probably, at least in part, the sleep deficit talking. Which is why I am going to stop blogging right now and go to bed and hopefully reduce that deficit a bit. Goodnight :)
Well, I can try, at least.
I always wanted this blog to be a place where I could be me and share parenting tips and be genuine. And then my husband left and I felt like I had to censor every word that I typed, just in case he happened upon this blog and wanted to use it against me in court. Then I got out of the habit of posting because the idea of filtering what I posted was distasteful to me. Well, I'm divorced now and my ex has no desire to have anything to do with our kids, so I think I'm safe to be me, uncensored. Especially since me, uncensored would mostly be G or PG-13 rated anyways. . . Not sure what I thought I was censoring, anyways. Sigh.
I am trying to be a better mom. Which isn't to say I'm a bad mom, just that I think I could do better and I'm trying. And while I'm in the midst of thinking I can do better, people who admire me annoy me, mostly because I'm annoyed with myself because I think I can do better. Its a vicious cycle of annoyance that I wish I could get away from. And getting away from that vicious cycle is one of the ways I think I can do better. Which, I think, is annoying. And the start of another vicious cycle.
I am human. Limited. Finite. At the same time, I have unlimited possibilities and infinite potential. So do I do what I can and leave the rest to God (or whomever he appoints to do the leftover tasks) or do I over-extend myself and reach for the possibilities? I'm leaning towards the former due to my current sleep deficit. But I don't want to get in the habit of just doing what I can and never trying to stretch and do more because I know how hard habits can be to break. And it annoys me.
Today, my girls and I got our hair cut during Love Loud at our church. We went to the same salon our pastor gets his hair cut at and they were incredibly sweet and gracious and they did a fantastic job. And somewhere during that time, I spoke to the hair stylist about the past year of my life and she told me I was an inspiration and that just made me sad. From my perspective, all I have done this past year is take care of my kids while their father chose not to. I don't see that as being inspiring. I see that as a parent doing what a parent should do. And it saddens me to think that I live in a world where a parent acting like a parent is inspiring. It was nice of her to say. I'm sure she was trying to be encouraging, but it was a little depressing. Which is probably, at least in part, the sleep deficit talking. Which is why I am going to stop blogging right now and go to bed and hopefully reduce that deficit a bit. Goodnight :)
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